The Book of Bart Read online

  Sam bit her lower lip. She might not have liked my plan, but it was better to have her ready to pull me out of trouble than risk having no back-up at all. “Josh could help.”

  I put my hands on my ears. “You did not just say that.”

  “Okay, okay. Sorry. I won’t say it again. But he could.”

  Sam put her science book in her locker. I went to confront Miss Evans, who sat at her desk, grading papers.

  I closed the door behind me as I walked in. “Afternoon.”

  She looked up at me through her glasses and smiled. “Afternoon, Bartholomew. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “Let’s not play games, shall we? I’ve had about enough of people saying one thing and doing another.”

  Miss Evans stood, revealing a slit in her skirt that showed off her thigh. Ring of the Gods or not, I found it difficult to keep my eyes off her skin.

  “All right. No more games. What do you want?”

  “I know what you’re up to. I want the Shard of Gabriel, or I’ll send you back to whatever pisshole you came from.”

  Miss Evans closed the distance between us with a slow, seductive saunter, but her eyes went wide at the mention of the Shard. “Work, work, work. I’m disappointed in you. That’s all you came in here for?” She took off her glasses. “To tell me to hand over something I don’t have?”

  I snorted. “We both know that’s a lie. Quincy told me everything before I killed him. So. Give me the Shard, or I’ll do the same to you.”

  Miss Evans stood a foot away, her legs spread, making her skirt ride up.

  I gulped.

  “I don’t know any Quincy.”

  “We’re past the point of playing dumb, Miss Evans. So just give it to me and we can both move on.”

  “I don’t think so. I really don’t have the Shard. But I’ll tell you what I do have.”

  “What’s that?”

  A satisfied smile crept across her face. “You.”

  “Me?”

  Before I could do anything, Tyler, Clayton, and Darrel appeared. They wrapped their arms around me, holding me in place. Miss Evans took the Ring of the Gods from me, immediately making my lust for her go through the roof.

  “I was so disappointed when you had that necklace on. I knew my… feminine wiles weren’t getting to you the way I’d hoped. I couldn’t have that, which is why I sent your friend Quincy to kill you. I tend to get a little possessive when I see something I want.”

  Interesting. Most people coveted what they couldn’t have. Miss Evans killed it.

  She slid on the ring and held up her hand, evidently enjoying her new jewelry. “I didn’t even know the Shard still existed, let alone that it was so close. That’s wonderful news.”

  Miss Evans held my chin with her hand. The physical stimulation drove me crazy. I didn’t care about Tyler and the Things being there. I had to have her. Now.

  “When you do find the Shard, and I have no doubt you will…” She leaned in, a mere inch from my face. I could only think about sex with this mysterious creature. “I want it. And in exchange, I’ll give you whatever you desire.”

  Miss Evans parted her lips, as did I. She slid her tongue into my mouth and sweet holy Heaven must get the Shard.

  “And your friends. Kill them.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I needed more of her. Her scent, her feel, her touch consumed me. I moved in to make out with her some more.

  “Hmm,” Miss Evans said, licking the saliva off her lips. “Yummy. Now, do what I ask and you’ll get more of that… and then some.”

  She didn’t have to ask me twice. Samantha and Josh were dead.

  I grinned and acted like everything was normal as I approached Samantha. The stupid fake angel had no idea what I had in store for her.

  “Did you get it?” she asked.

  “Not exactly. She’s not the one we’re looking for.”

  “She’s not Vixen?”

  That sultry minx was most definitely a vixen, maybe even the vixen. I didn’t care anymore. “Nope.”

  Samantha narrowed her eyes into accusatory slits. “Are you okay?”

  “Never better. I feel like I could just float away.”

  “Float away? You sure you’re fine?”

  “Absolutely. Let’s talk about it more at your place. I have some ideas I want to run by you.”

  Samantha opened her car door. “Did Miss Evans do something to you?”

  Did she ever. I imagined how amazing violating her would be. “No. Just trying to look on the bright side of things.”

  “The bright side?”

  “Yes. The bright side. You know, the opposite of dark?” I got in the car. “Am I not allowed to do that?”

  “No, you can. It’s just… weird coming from you.”

  I spent the ride back to Samantha’s apartment thinking of Miss Evans’s naked body writhing in ecstasy as I put my millennia-worth of sexual experience to work pleasuring her. I got myself so riled up I wanted to end Samantha right now, but I had to be smart about it. Taking care of her at her place would be perfect. No witnesses, no nothing. My horns almost came out, I felt so excited.

  Miss Evans, you will be mine soon enough. And for all time.

  My last visit to Samantha’s apartment was a bit rushed, seeing that Marlon ripped out Josh’s eye earlier that night. I hadn’t really had a chance to see what her living space looked like. I saw a teddy bear sitting in a cushioned chair. Ridiculous. I did remember the overwhelming smell of vanilla candles from last time. This go-round, the aroma seemed every bit as pungent.

  I made sure to avoid the crucifix set up on a bookshelf.

  “Nice place,” I lied. “I didn’t really have a chance to notice last time I was here.”

  “Thanks.” Sam set her book bag down on the table. “So what are these new ideas you have?”

  Now was the time. I let my claws come flying out. My body burned with blood lust. Time to do what Miss Evans wanted. Kill Sam. Kill Josh. Get the Shard. With some luck, I could be inside her within the hour.

  Samantha turned and gasped when she saw me.

  “Bartholomew?” She glanced down at my hand. “Where’s your… oh no.”

  I ran for her, digging my claws into her sides. She screamed in pain as she tried to break free. With her weakened, I could deliver the deathblow. I reached back, ready to rip Samantha’s heart out of her chest.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “Why not?”

  Samantha aimed her palm at me. A blinding light burst forth, throwing me across the room.

  I didn’t realize it until I woke up, but the bitch had knocked me out with her Hand of God special. I opened my eyes. I sat in a chair, wrapped in what looked like an entire roll of Saran Wrap. Samantha stood across from me, a stern look on her face. The wounds I’d inflicted had healed, and she’d changed into a pink V-neck.

  “What did Miss Evans do to you?” she asked.

  “She didn’t do anything to me,” I snarled. “She told me to get rid of you and help her get the Shard. Once that’s done, I get to have her every which way I please.”

  Samantha leaned down to my eye level, her hands on her knees. “And how did she convince you to do all this?”

  “She sealed the deal with a kiss. A glorious kiss that a poseur angel like you has never, nor will ever, experience.”

  I tried to free myself of my bindings and rip the skin off her face. Samantha picked up a spray bottle from the table and squirted me with it. I howled in pain. Holy water.

  “Try that one more time and I’ll make you kill yourself all over again.”

  “You deserved that.” She set the bottle down on the carpet. “So. Miss Evans possessed you with a kiss.”

  “She didn’t possess me. You think she could do that? To me?” I laughed, spitting bits of flesh out of my mouth.

  Samantha paced around the room, muttering to herself. I couldn’t make out what she said. Nor did I care. If only she would put her throat next to one of my ha
nds, this could all be over.

  The fake angel picked up her cellphone and called someone.

  “Hey. This is Samantha. I know I’m not supposed to call, but I need help… Yeah. It’s Bartholomew. No, not that. He’s been possessed by something.”

  Who was she talking to about me? Josh?

  “Get Josh over here. I’ll do to him what I did to his dear old dad.”

  Samantha glared at me. “What? Nothing. He thinks I’m talking to Josh.”

  She wasn’t talking to Josh? Who could she be talking to? She didn’t have any friends I knew of.

  Ah ha!

  She was talking to an angel. A real angel.

  “Which of those angel asshats are you talking to? Tell them I said to piss off. Screw you and the halo you rode in on, dickhole.”

  Samantha covered the phone’s speaker and gave me a flustered look.

  “Do you mind? I’m on the phone.”

  I wiggled my hands. “Do you mind? I’m trying to kill you.”

  She sighed. “Sorry. Yeah, that’s him. You want to say hello?”

  “I don’t want to speak to some shingles-infected angel. Tell that goody two shoes winged bastard that he likes dressing up in tutus and getting spanked by clowns.”

  Samantha went over what she knew about Miss Evans, and what I’d been acting like since this afternoon.

  “Whoever’s on the phone is literally blocking my cock right now,” I said. “Hurry up and let me end you.”

  “What is she?” Samantha said into the phone. “Wow. That’s not good. Can she turn into a deadly cloud of smoke? No? Dang. Okay.”

  I continued struggling to get free, but that Sarah Wrap held me in place like cement. I licked my lips. I could still taste Miss Evans on them. She tasted like… sex. Pure sex.

  Samantha gasped. “I have to do what to him?”

  “You’re not doing anything to me. Not even if you put on a Miss Evans mask.”

  “Is there any other way?”

  Of course there was. “Yeah. Untie me.”

  Sam ignored my helpful suggestion. “And this is authorized? You’re sure? Yeah. I’ll do it. I don’t see that I have a choice.” She sighed. “I don’t know how. Very carefully, I guess.”

  Samantha got off the phone and stared at me.

  “Bartholomew, I want you to listen to me.”

  “La la la, not listening.” I wanted no part of what she had to say.

  She picked up the squirt bottle. “You will, or I’ll blind you.”

  I sighed. This sucked. “Fine. But I’m not looking at you while you speak.” I gazed at the ceiling, imagining Miss Evans doing a striptease.

  “Miss Evans is a succubus.”

  “A suck you what?”

  “You’ve been possessed by a succubus. The only way to break whatever hold she has on you is to make sure you… copulate with someone before she has a chance to do it herself.”

  “Absolutely not.” I threw my head back and forth. “I’d rather teach children about the virtues of abstinence.”

  “Sorry. I’m not too thrilled about this either, but otherwise you’ll be lost to her forever.” She held up her hand and placed it on my chest. “By the power of God, I order you to calm down and promise not to harm me.”

  My anger at Samantha subsided. I still wanted to dismember her, but the overpowering desire to do so went away. Now I only had a gnawing feeling in the back of my mind.

  “Calm?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  “Okay. I’m going to cut you free now.”

  “If you must.”

  Samantha picked up a pair of scissors and cut my Saran Wrap shackles. She took me by the hand and led me into the bedroom.

  I woke up the next morning, completely naked, and with a big black hole in my memory. Where the heck was I? The room smelled of vanilla, everything looked clean and orderly… clearly, a man didn’t live in this room. So. Who was the lucky lady?

  Maybe I finally banged a virgin.

  I did feel oddly satisfied.

  Sam walked in, pulling a gray shirt over her head. Music began playing in another room.

  Wait.

  Sam? I was in Sam’s apartment? Even Sam’s bed?

  “Morning,” she said.

  I waved. “What am I doing here? Did we get blackout drunk or something?” My head felt like whipped butter.

  “No, we didn’t get drunk. You really don’t remember what happened?” She stuck out her lower lip. “I find that oddly offensive.”

  “I wish I did.” I pointed at her. “Did we do something questionable?”

  Sam shrugged. “If you don’t remember, why does it matter?”

  Aw, man, we did.

  So many conflicting emotions ran through my body. Surprise, satisfaction, contentment, and, most of all, shame.

  “I’d like to know if we did.”

  “Let’s just say… Whatever happened, I did out of mercy.”

  “You gave me a mercy hump?”

  “If you want to call it that.”

  That couldn’t be right. “That makes no sense. If anything, I would mercy hump you. You’d need it a lot more than I would.”

  “You sure about that? Miss Evans possessing you doesn’t ring a bell?”

  “I vaguely remember being hard up for her.” What in Heaven? Had I fallen into an alternate reality? “Wait. I was possessed?”

  Sam pulled her hair into a ponytail. “Yep. I could only break the curse by… you know…” She waved a hand vaguely in the air. “…doing the deed before she could.”

  “Won’t you get thrown out of the angel club for that?”

  “I had it cleared beforehand. What’s the phrase you used? Necessary evil.”

  I buried my face in my hands. “I feel so used.”

  Sam laughed as she finished her ponytail. “You feel used? I’m the one who had to sacrifice my body.”

  “How did we even do it? Why am I not burnt to a crisp?”

  “I used protection.” Her eyes widened. “Lots of protection. It was more awkward and workmanlike than fun.”

  I felt bile rise in my mouth. I’ve had women, and men, for that matter, beg me for a quickie to end their drought or whatnot, but I’d never had the tables turned on me like this, especially by someone who wanted to be an angel. I felt so ashamed. Hearing Sam singing Hall and Oates’s Maneater in the next room didn’t help. Miss Evans would have Heaven to pay for putting me in this position.

  ever mind getting back at Miss Evans, at least for right now,” Sam said. “We have bigger fish to fry.”

  I laughed. “Like finding Vixen before it’s too late.”

  Sam gave me a quizzical look. “You really don’t think it’s Miss Evans?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “She didn’t mention the Shard until I did, and even tasked me with getting it for her.”

  We hung around the school parking lot, waiting for the opening bell to ring. I finished my fourth cigarette of the day, trying to smoke the taste of humiliation out of my mouth. Sadly, even more was on the horizon. I could only get back on track by tucking my tail between my legs and talking to Monica, who wore a particularly smug scowl as I approached her before first period.

  “I told you,” she said with a hint of condescension.

  “How did you even know who I’d focused on?” I asked.

  “Please. I can tell you which teachers, and yes, that’s plural, are banging which students, or anything else shady that’s going on here. I’m head cheerleader. I’m in the middle of everything.”

  “Then tell me who I’m looking for so you can keep on doing that.”

  Monica laid a hand on her hip and narrowed her eyes. “Whatever. Saying the world’s going to end is Heaven’s version of crying wolf and you know it.”

  She had a point. Those touchy-feely hippies upstairs always overreacted, going on holy quests to restore the balance of things, or whatever issue caught their eye. “I agree, but that doesn’t make this any less impo
rtant.”

  “You have a week until Homecoming,” she said. “All you have to do is make sure Jenny doesn’t win and I’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

  I groaned. “Fine. But I need something else from you, and this is non-negotiable.”

  I skipped English to avoid Miss Evans. With the Ring of the Gods in her possession, I had no defense against her wily succubus charms except for that large wooden tooth Remy had given me. Seeing how little the thing helped with Powell, I was pretty much defenseless for the time being. Sam broke the curse last time, but who’s to say Miss Evans couldn’t do it again and bang me on the spot, making me her bitch for eternity?

  Sitting in the cafeteria, I played with my puddle of mashed potatoes. Josh walked by, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. He must’ve been sticking around to make sure Sam was safe. If he only knew.

  Something cold landed on my head and ran down my face. Milk. Clayton and Darrel stood behind me, smirking.

  “Miss Evans wants to see you,” Clayton said.

  “I don’t want to see her.”

  Darrel put his hand on my shoulder. “We’re not asking.”

  I grabbed his hand and squeezed as hard as I could. He grimaced as the joints popped. As I stood, he fell to his knees. Darrel’s eyes began to water.

  “Cry,” I said. “Do it. Cry like a little girl. Show everyone here what you’re really made of.”

  “Please,” he said. “You’ll break my hand. We have a game on Friday.”

  “He’s right, dude,” Clayton said. “We need him. Go easy.”

  As if they had a chance to win on Friday. “Like you did with me? I don’t think so.”

  “Bartholomew,” Kyle said.

  I glanced back and saw him.

  “Let him go. Come on.”

  “You’re so lucky.” I released Darrel, who crumpled to the ground, holding his hand.

  Kyle motioned for me to follow him.

  “What did they want?” he asked.

  “That? Thing One and Thing Two wanted to sell me some Girl Scout cookies,” I said. “When I said no, they tried to force my hand. I just turned the tables on them.”

  Kyle laughed. “Yeah, they don’t hear the word no a lot.”