The Book of Bart Read online

  “Don’t do that. Please. That robe means the world to me.”

  I smirked. “So, which is it? The ring or the robe? Or how about I rip your hand off with just these two fingers,” I made a pinching motion with my thumb and index fingers, “then burn your entire orgy of artifacts.”

  I heard the police sirens through the shattered window.

  Powell smiled at the sound of the police approaching. “And I say now unto the Lord, that you shall be forgiven for your sins.”

  The drunkard preached. The Cash helped with the pain, but his rant still seared through my mind. I had to act fast or this Arthur fellow would give me a one-way ticket back to Hell. I fumbled around inside the robe, trying to find the iPod. My brain felt like metal stakes stabbed it. That piece of wood Remy gave me could be a normal toothpick for all the good it did me.

  I found the iPod and turned the volume back up on old Johnny, drowning out the sermon. Much better. Stakes removed. Powell continued preaching, but I couldn’t hear him anymore. With no sound, his bombastic arm movements made him look like a weird sort of mime.

  I ran at him as fast as I could and clocked him in the jaw. He fell to the floor, shielding his face with his hands. I yanked the ring off his finger and slipped it on mine just as the police lights started appearing on the driveway. My phone vibrated, but I didn’t need to answer. I knew it was Sam, telling me to get out of there.

  I threw off the robe and ran out onto the deck. I jumped over the deck’s metal railing and made a break for the lake. I stopped before jumping in to text Sam.

  Go 2 car. Swmmng 4 it.

  I stuffed the phone back in my pocket and dove in, ruining whatever electronics I had on me. I hoped Remy didn’t expect to get his iPod back in working condition, because… oops.

  swam about a quarter mile through the chilly lake until I found a small dock. I climbed up and ran for the car, water dripping from my body. I could not have been happier that I’d decided against wearing a suit for this. Sam, arms crossed, leaned her back against Sweet Claudette.

  “Did you get it?” she asked.

  I held up my hand, showing off the ring. “See if your Hand of God thing can work on me now.”

  Sam’s eyes darted back and forth down the street. “Can we get out of here first?”

  “Most definitely.” I reached into my pocket to get my keys.

  The keys.

  Sweet Claudette had keyless entry. I’d fried my keyless entry, along with Remy’s iPod, the second I jumped into the lake. I tried to activate it anyway. Nothing.

  “I should’ve known,” I said, fighting off the urge to kick something.

  “We can’t get in the car?”

  I lowered my head. “Sweet Claudette’s locked up tighter than a virgin in a chastity belt.”

  “Well. That’s just great,” Sam said, inching closer to me. “You really know how to plan ahead, don’t you?”

  “Obviously.” And Powell, with his arsenal of religious gobbledygook, could be on us at any moment.

  A wry smile crept across Sam’s lips. “Good thing I do.”

  She turned and opened her door.

  Huh? What?

  “How? I locked the car when we left.”

  Sam held up the other keyless entry to the Benz. “I saw it on the table at your place and figured better safe than sorry.”

  Check out Sam being a cheeky scoundrel. “Did you now?”

  She tossed the key to me and got in. “Hope you have some towels in the trunk or something for the leather.”

  Now she’s worrying about the leather?

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I started the car. “You’re acting really…nice.”

  “Hello? Angel,” she said, mocking me as she buckled up.

  “I deserved that.”

  “You did.”

  “We’ll pick up some towels somewhere down the road.” I just felt happy to be in my car, driving away from Arthur Powell and his playhouse of religious horrors. I placed the five vials of angel ointment in the container of my door.

  We stopped at a Target a few miles down the Interstate to get some towels. No way would my exquisite body be clothed with items from there. I’d had my fill of bad clothes with that Tony Stewart shirt I’d had to wear. Now that we were away from Powell’s, a sense of safety began to take hold. I started getting more concerned about Sweet Claudette sprouting mold.

  Before we went inside, I pulled off my shirt in the parking lot and wrung it out. I noticed Sam staring at my six-pack abs, so I held out my arms and did a twirl. “Like what you see? It’s okay to look.”

  “Thanks, I’ll pass.”

  “You want to touch? I won’t bite.”

  “I’m good.”

  I held out my hand. “I’d at least like to know if the ring works.”

  Sam held my hand. I didn’t feel any burning. Just a slight, enjoyable tingle. Excellent.

  She jerked her hand away. Seeing me in all my glory really seemed to make her nervous. “Now you know.”

  “Indeed.” I put the shirt back on. Time to test out the ring. “Okay. Hand of God me.”

  Sam turned a bit stiff. “Here? In the parking lot?”

  I shrugged. “Sure. Nobody’s around.”

  “All right.” She put her hand on my chest. “Bartholomew, I want you to squawk like a chicken.”

  Squawk like a chicken? Really? “That’s the best you can come up with?”

  “I don’t want to ask you something big. What if the ring doesn’t work on this?”

  True. She could have me run through the store flashing my privates at old ladies.

  “So? Squawk. I order you.”

  I felt a sudden force rise up inside me, trying to will me to comply. I felt a chicken squawk crawl up my throat. With some force, though, I successfully fought it off.

  “Ha.”

  She smiled. Her hand grew so bright I had to shield my eyes.

  “Are you jealous of Josh?”

  Hey, whoa. That was powerful. And a dirty shot.

  I wanted to answer. Just a simple slip of the tongue. So easy.

  No. Demon up.

  I bit down on my lip. “Mmm.”

  Sam tried again. “Are you jealous of Josh?”

  I shook my head no.

  “You don’t want to tell me?”

  “Hm hum,” I said, without opening my mouth.

  The brightness in her hand disappeared, leaving my eyes to readjust to the darkness.

  “It works. That was the strongest I’ve got.”

  “That was a low blow,” I said.

  “Does that mean you liked it?”

  I thought about that for a second. “Kind of, yeah.”

  She arched an eyebrow. “Can’t say I’m surprised.”

  Inside, Sam got caught up looking at handbags, so I left her and searched for some towels on my own. I decided against whatever designer crap they had and went with some Batman beach towels.

  “I always thought of myself as more of a Superman guy,” a voice said to my side. “That prodigal son thing always struck a sentimental chord for me.”

  Nicholas. I almost called Sam over to see if she could make him squawk.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Thought I could help you.” He looked at the Ring of the Gods. “That’s what I’m here for. Whatever you need, you come to me. This running around and stealing business is just going to make people angry.”

  Shocker. Nicholas shows up after his help might have been welcomed. I glanced down at the ring. “As you can see, we’re getting on okay without your help.”

  “I stopped by your condo earlier. Certainly didn’t look like you were getting on okay.”

  The revelation made me feel somewhat violated. “I’ve got that under control.”

  Nicholas played with his red tie. “You do now. Consider it a… friendly gesture on my part. To help solidify our partnership. I even got all the stains out.”

  Partnership? Same old Nicholas. The second
he got the Shard, I’d get my ass shipped down to the Ninth Circle, only he’d be the one taking me to town instead of Lucifer. He’d probably make Judas and Cassius have a tea party with me down there. At least he got all the stains out.

  “I appreciate that. I do. But if I need your help, I’ll call you.”

  Nicholas looked into one of the bathroom mirrors for sale and messed with his hair. “Fair enough. So how goes progress?”

  “We have a lead or two,” I said, intentionally playing coy. If I gave Nicholas too much information, he might decide to cut me out of the entire equation and go straight for the Shard. One can take the son of the devil at his word only so far.

  “Care to elaborate?”

  I shook my head. “Not really. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. You understand, I’m sure.”

  Nicholas grinned. He knew what I was doing. “Sure.”

  “Hey, Bartholomew?” Sam asked from the next row over. Glancing back, I saw her enter our row. She froze at the sight of Nicholas.

  “And who is this dashing young lady?” Nicholas stepped forward, extending his hand. “Pure as the winter’s snow, you are. If you want to stay that way, I’d recommend keeping better company,” he said, winking at me. “This one will only bring you down to his level.”

  Sam hissed. “Stay back, son of Satan.”

  The woman actually hissed. So absurd.

  Nicholas acted taken aback, putting on a hurt face. “Did… did you just hiss? People do that? I only wanted to introduce myself.”

  Sam clenched her hands into fists. “Don’t come any closer or I’ll send you back to Hell.”

  “Scary,” Nicholas said, waving around like he had jazz hands. “And how are you going to do that?”

  Sam smirked. “Step closer. You’ll find out.”

  I had to hand it to the almost-angel. Sure, she was pretty worthless when it came to the nitty-gritty, but seeing her go up against Nicholas impressed me. I didn’t think she had it in her.

  Nicholas laughed. “I like this one, Bartholomew. She’s got some pluck.” His face hardened like a Greek statue. “Tell you what, sweetie. I’ll let you have this round because I need my associate here,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder, “to finish whatever job you two are doing. Then, if I’m feeling generous, I won’t invite Saddam, Stalin, and a cadre of other assorted monsters of all shapes and sizes to violate every hole in your body for a millennium. Okay?”

  I winced. “You don’t want that, Sam. That’s no fun for anybody.”

  Sam’s face turned as white as a piece of paper. Her body trembled, but her gaze remained fixed on Nicholas. She didn’t budge an inch. “Why not go for two millennia?”

  “Whoa.” Nicholas looked completely taken aback. He pointed at her. “You. You’re… something special. Most angels don’t have this much chutzpah. Tell you what, sweetie. When you get down to Hell, I’ll keep you all to myself.” He looked over at me. “Let me know when it’s done.”

  I nodded and, before I could blink, Nicholas disappeared. Sam didn’t move.

  “Look at you being a bad ass.”

  She didn’t respond.

  I moved closer to her. “You all right?”

  She closed her eyes for a moment, probably to get her bearings. “Yeah. Get your towels and I’ll see you in the car.”

  We rode north on I-85 in silence for almost thirty minutes. The only sound was the music of some pop star that made a deal with the Devil for fame on the radio. I figured Sam still had to be shaken up after that encounter. It’s not every day the son of the Devil threatens an almost-angel with a gangbang featuring Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein, or even with himself. At least he hadn’t thrown in Hitler. She really would’ve been in trouble then.

  She nibbled at a fingernail. “I should have known.”

  “Known what?”

  “That you’d work some kind of angle with them to get free of this deal.”

  I turned the radio down. “Listen to me. I hate Nicholas. He’s a snot-nosed little brat. He kidnapped me the other day and said either I agree to help him get the Shard of Gabriel or he’d pour holy water down my throat and kill me. I think I made the right call, to be honest. Mind you, this offer came after he’d doused my feet in holy water so I couldn’t walk.”

  “You should’ve told me.” Her tone sounded less defensive.

  She had a point. I probably should have.

  “Would it have helped matters any? And don’t lie. I’ll know. Would it have been of any help for you to know that?”

  She sighed. “No. It probably would’ve made things worse.”

  “Exactly. That clown is my problem, and when the time comes, I’ll handle him.”

  “Okay. I believe you. You hate Nicholas.” Her voice sounded hollow, like she only agreed with me to shut me up. The worst part? I actually wanted her to believe me. I hated that.

  “Can I have a cigarette?” she asked with a sigh.

  I glanced at her for a moment, wide-eyed. “Really?”

  She nodded. “I could use one.”

  I laughed to myself. You and me both. “I’d say yes, but I just got this car today. As a rule of thumb, I try to enjoy the new car smell as long as I can.” Especially now. “Never know when a minion is going to attack you and leave it in shambles or someone, and I’m not going to name names here, wipes demon guts off her hands on the floorboard.”

  She smiled faintly. “That’s true.”

  The rest of the drive went by without interruption. I stopped to refuel, but other than that, the quiet couldn’t have been more uncomfortable if one of us confessed we’d been having an affair. With a parental figure.

  When I pulled up in front of her apartment complex, Sam remained in her seat, staring at the floorboard. I felt the engine’s low rumble through the steering wheel.

  Sweet Claudette, how tender you are.

  “I want you to take the ring off,” Sam said.

  “After all we went through to get it? Why?”

  Sam nodded. “Right now I don’t know what to believe. Josh said I risked my very existence working with you, and I’m afraid he might be right.”

  “A. Don’t listen to that douche. And B. What would taking off the ring accomplish?”

  She held up her hand. “I have to know. For sure.”

  She wanted to Hand of God me again. “You’re being ridiculous, you know that?”

  Not to mention, she might ask me if I was jealous of Josh again. I really didn’t want to find out what my answer would be.

  She smiled. “You’re a demon. Why should I believe you?”

  I shut up. I’d hammered that point home to her a few times already. Now it was my turn to trust her. She could do anything to me without this ring. If she wanted me to speak in iambic pentameter for all time, I’d have to. But, much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed her right now. Neither of us could pull off our quest without the other. I ground my jaw and set the ring on the dashboard.

  Sam nodded. “Thank you,” she said, placing her hand on my chest. It burned. “I order you, by the power of God, to tell me the truth about you and Nicholas.”

  I didn’t even try to fight off the urge. I just let the truth spew from my lips. I told her that no, I didn’t want to get the Shard of Gabriel, then screw her over by giving it to Nicholas. I also told her that yes, I really did think he was a massive turd. I also told her that while I did want to find a way out of this arrangement, it wouldn’t come at her expense. She’d gotten me out of Hell in the first place and, much as it irked me being in debt to some pseudo-angel, whatever code I existed by wouldn’t allow me to leave her to writhe for all eternity in Hell or Detroit or wherever she would end up if we failed.

  “That’s not how I operate,” I said. “I let people damn themselves. I only give them the tools to do so. Maybe a little push as well, if they’re having second thoughts. You get the point.”

  I hoped Sam had heard enough. I didn’t want to keep playing Twenty Question
s. It didn’t suit me, being this honest and…forthright.

  Sam sat there, nodding to herself. “Okay. I can live with that,” she said, getting out of the car. “You can put your ring back on.”

  ith the weekend over, Sam and I discussed the best way to go about confronting Miss Evans, as she drove us to school while I set up my new cellphone. She thought it would be better to face her after school to reduce the possibility of people getting hurt if she decided to turn into the Cloud of Death. I thought she’d be less inclined to do that if there were kids all over the place.

  “You say that, but she had zero problem making Casey explode in the middle of a museum or chasing us through downtown,” she said.

  “True. After school it is.”

  I left Sam to do some homework and searched for Monica, who I found in the commons area. I cornered her. “I know who Vixen is, so thanks for all your help. I’m not just saying that either. I mean it.”

  Monica arched her back, pushing her breasts forward. “Who is it, then?”

  I smirked. “You don’t know?”

  “I just want to make sure you know.”

  Clever little demon. She’d never known, and now she wanted me to tell her so she could try to pull some kind of power play. “That’s not how this game is played. Ladies first.”

  Monica put her hands on her hips. “Whoever you think it is, you’re wrong.”

  “Not the answer I was looking for. I may still wreck Homecoming for you, though. That sounds like fun.”

  “Great. I’m going to go ahead and say I told you so. So I won’t have to later, when you’re angry about being wrong and come crawling back for answers.”

  Monica started grating on me with this pussyfooting. “Tell me, don’t tell me. I don’t care. I’ve figured it out, so whatever.”

  The rest of the school day came and went without much trouble. I met Sam by her locker before going to Miss Evans’s room.

  “You ready?” Sam asked.

  “I am. But I want you to stay back.”

  Sam gave me a you’ve got to be kidding look. “No.”

  “Yes. I can handle Miss Evans, but if anything happens to me, I need you to use your Hand of God stuff to get me out of trouble. Just hang out by the car, okay? If you don’t hear from me in ten minutes, come in hands a-blazin’.”