The Book of Bart Read online

  Interesting. “How did you get away?”

  Josh forced a grin. “Templars have their secrets, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give them to a demon.”

  “He hid in a sewer,” Sam said.

  Josh threw up his hands. “Ruin it, why don’t you?”

  “So why not call 9-1-1?” I asked. “They’d at least want to help you.”

  “The ointment I gave you could save his eye,” she said. “Otherwise it’s gone for sure.”

  “It can’t be that bad. Let me see.” I walked over and pulled the towel off Josh’s face. Sure enough, one of his eyeballs lay on his cheek. “Looks like somebody took half a bite out of a gumball.”

  “We don’t have time for this. Give me the ointment.” Sam held out her hand. “Please.”

  I moved back a few paces. “Now hold on a second. This pissant has done nothing but belittle and talk about killing me since he became the Short Round to my Indiana Jones and your Marion. Why should I help him now? For all I care, he can spend the rest of his days looking like a pirate.”

  I would like to thank the Academy and all their souls, which they sold to me for a pittance.

  “We’ll be square,” Josh said. “Don’t call me Short Round. I’m at least Sallah. Or Sean Connery.”

  I shook my head. “I give you your eye back and you forgive me for taking out dear old dad? For some odd reason, I don’t believe you.”

  Sam narrowed her gaze and marched over to me.

  “Bartholomew, give me the ointment. Now.” She held out her hand.

  I smirked. “Make me.”

  She placed her hand on my chest. “By the authority given to me by the Almighty, I order you to give me the ointment.”

  Her palm lit up.

  A blank kind of contentment crept through my brain and everything else leaked out. Doing what she wanted was the only way to go.

  I fumbled the vial out of my pocket and handed it to her.

  Smiling, she took her hand off my chest. “Thank you.”

  She moved over to Josh, then applied the ointment. His eye instantly began healing.

  My senses came back to me like a volcano erupting in my brain.

  Wait. What just happened?

  “What did you do to me?”

  Sam hummed to herself.

  I straightened my jacket. “I’m talking to you, Samantha. What kind of juju did you pull on me?”

  “Nothing.” She finished applying the ointment and handed me the vial. “I just have the ability to… keep you in line, if need be.”

  Keep me in line? Me?

  My jaw hit the floor. “So you think you can keep me on a leash? I’m done. You and one-eyed Jack over there can do this on your own. I am not your pauper.”

  “A pauper is a poor person,” Sam chirped.

  “You know what I mean.” I stormed out the door before my horns came out and ripped a hole in her wall.

  I kicked at the air before storming back inside. “You have to drive me home first. I don’t have cash for a cab.”

  stewed in my own personal cauldron of anger as Samantha drove me home. The horns pressed against my skull so long I had a headache. Seemed everybody wanted me as their puppet nowadays. Lucifer. Nicholas. Even the butt plug upstairs had a hand on my strings. Well, not anymore. I decided to make a run for it. Work out some other way to pay my debt to Hell and avoid the Ninth Circle.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about my Hand of God thing,” Sam said, breaking the silence. “I never thought I’d have to use it.”

  I refused to look at her. “Doesn’t matter.”

  “I can’t do this without you.”

  “Guess you’re screwed, then.” I nibbled at a fingernail. It itched from wanting to extend into a claw and slash Sam’s throat. “I don’t care how much you need me. There’s nothing more demeaning than having to do His will. Nothing.”

  Sam sighed. “Fine. You’re out. What are you going to do? When they catch you, you know where you’re going.”

  “Guess I’ll have to make sure they don’t catch me.”

  The car pulled to a stop at a light one block from my condo. I unbuckled my seatbelt. Sam reached out and grabbed my arm.

  “Think about what you’re doing. You can have a better life,” she said.

  I pointed up. “What? Working for Him? That’s a better life? I don’t think so. Don’t forget, I’ve worked for Him before. Red Cross workers in the Sudan have more fun than His employees. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

  I threw open the door and got out. Sam tried one of those sad puppy dog looks on me through the window. I ground my teeth together until she gave up and drove away, leaving me alone to wallow in my thoughts.

  Half a block away from my condo, I caught the scent of a cigarette. A very particular kind of cigarette. Moore Tobacco smelled exactly like marijuana, and just so happened to be Lucifer’s brand of choice whenever he went topside.

  Hell had its own brand of cigarettes called Red Circle, but good luck finding a pack. Forged on the Third Circle of Hell, the cigs were extremely difficult to harvest. Most of the time, they caught fire before they could be hand-rolled. If a batch ever survived to production, the Circles had a taste, and buzz, that felt nothing short of divine. If a human smoked one, it would be the equivalent of a thousand Cuban cigars all at once.

  Of course, when Red Circles were in supply, Lucifer hoarded most of them, if for no other reason than to make everybody suffer. The last reported crop to go into production was in 1822.

  I found him standing by the entrance to my building, looking up at the night sky and wearing one of the finest suits I’d ever laid eyes on. He had a touch of gray in his black hair and a slight paunch that only added to his commanding presence. His blue eyes were even more piercing than my own.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked with his gravelly voice.

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” I said, lighting up myself. “You here to taunt me some more?”

  The boss man turned his attention away from the stars and glanced at my charm. He scrunched up his face. That’s probably the worst it would do to someone like Lucifer.

  “You know that clashes with your ensemble.”

  “I hadn’t noticed,” I said. “But thanks for pointing it out.”

  Lucifer shook his head. “So much hostility. If only you’d focused your anger in the right direction, you might have been successful enough to be in my inner circle, not the Seventh.”

  “You’re assuming I want to be in your inner circle. That circle’s a bit too brown for my tastes.”

  Lucifer tilted his head up and blew out some smoke in the shape of a pentagram. “I thought you loved being inside little dark circles.”

  “Look at you with the jokes.” Of course, Lou would make a joke about ass play.

  “Can you really stand there and say you never wanted to be a part of it?”

  “Be a part of your little boys club? Nope. Not once.” The inner circle helped guide Hell’s vision and values, like a board of directors. The very idea entailed so many of the things I hate. Rules. Projects. Red tape. Team-building exercises. I’d rather be a lone wolf, prowling the countryside for some action.

  He glanced at me, his eyes burning red as he drew on his cigarette.

  “I understand you’re quitting, so I’m here to escort you to, um,” he pointed at the ground, “the Ninth. You sure you don’t want to take a look at the stars? It’ll probably be the last time you ever see them.”

  I blew out a cloud of smoke. He’d never shown up this soon to collect someone, even a demon. Hopefully, that meant I’d pissed him off.

  “I wanted to talk to you about that. See if we couldn’t come up with some sort of deal.”

  Lucifer laughed. “What could you possibly offer me? I already own you.”

  “Did you know your baby boy paid me a visit the other day? He must be planning another coup against dear old dad,” I said.

  Lucifer exhaled through hi
s nose. “You think he’s smart enough to overthrow me, even with the Shard? Much like you, there’s a reason he fell flat on his face when the time came for him to step up. That boy is my biggest failure and my greatest achievement.”

  I didn’t know about me, but he was right about his kid. When Lucifer took a vacation five hundred years ago, he gave Nicholas the reins in his place. Before anyone knew what happened, the Dark Ages came to a screeching halt and humanity ushered in the Age of Enlightenment.

  “I can’t believe you’re making me work with you-know-who.” I looked up at the Heavens. “That’s low.”

  Lucifer grinned and ran his tongue along his lips. “It happens. I knew how much it’d pain you, which is icing on the cake.” He clapped his hands. “So. You ready? Being among all these mortals gets my libido going. We better get moving before I get fresh with some young lass.”

  “So there’s no kind of gentlemen’s agreement we can come to?”

  Lucifer flicked his cigarette into the street. An attractive blonde eyeballed him as she walked past. “Tell me where some gentlemen are, and I’ll get them to broker an agreement.”

  I sighed. I really thought I could talk him out of it. Regardless, I’d rather be mad at a fake angel than get banged by this turd for eternity. “Fine. I’ll stay here and finish the job, if that’s what you want.”

  Before I knew what had happened, Lucifer moved within inches of my face. “Yes, you will. And you’ll quit bitching about how bad you have it. All the mistakes you’ve made, your little coup, I’ve given you one, this one, chance to get your act together and it’s the only one you’re going to get.” He used his I am the devil and I will swallow your soul voice. Mortals pissed their pants when he spoke, but not me. I’d heard him speak a million times. “Do we understand each other? If I have to come back up here for you I will drag your sorry ass back down with me.”

  “I understand.”

  He beamed. “Excellent,” he said in his normal voice. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have sex with that blonde who walked by.”

  The next morning, I texted Sam, to let her know I’d changed my mind about quitting. I stood on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette while I waited for her. When she pulled up next to me, Josh sat shotgun, his eye completely healed. I knocked on his window.

  “What?” he asked as the window rolled down.

  “In the back,” I said, jerking my thumb in that direction.

  “Why?”

  “Because there’s not enough room back there for me and my Johnson.”

  “Gross,” Sam said.

  Josh glared at me as he opened the door, then got in the back seat. Sitting in Josh’s seat, I wondered if he’d farted before getting up, since the seat felt pretty warm.

  I didn’t give Sam an explanation for my change of heart, and fortunately, she didn’t ask for one. She probably believed the inherent good in me won out. We rode to school in silence. I kind of wanted to rip Josh’s eye back out and shoot it with a slingshot.

  Walking into school, Sam decided to break radio silence.

  “I have cheerleading tryouts today,” she said, like nothing happened.

  Forgive and forget. That was one of the angels’ mottos. I preferred to revenge and remember, but that’s just me.

  “Can you put in a good word with that Monica girl?” she asked.

  “Why don’t you just mind rape me again?” I said. “Get me to do it that way?”

  “Don’t be a jerk,” she said. “I’m trying to be nice here. You put me in a corner last night and forced my hand.”

  “True, but you probably don’t want me to talk to her,” I said. “She’ll see it as a sign of weakness and insecurity.”

  Josh held the door open for her. She thanked him.

  “Then let her see it that way,” she said. “I know how to cheer. We were so good, we even went to nationals. I just want to make sure I’ve got all my bases covered, and if we know someone who can put in a good word for me, all the better.”

  I moved in close. I could smell her apricot body wash.

  “You want my advice? Quit.” I turned to go to class, then stopped. “If you go through with it, don’t blame me if you get eaten alive.”

  I hoped she didn’t make the team. I wanted her to fail. She really didn’t seem to grasp the reality of the situation. And, more than ever, I wanted to get something for myself out of this little deal. Speaking of which… Miss McPherson sashayed her pretty little self down the hall, her innocence begging to be taken from her right there in the hallway.

  I grinned. “Hey, Jenny.”

  She cradled a science book in her arms. “Hey there. How’s your friend?”

  “He’s fine. A watermelon seed flew up, poked him in the eye, and for some reason he thought his eye would fall out. He was just being a drama queen.”

  I scowled at Josh as he strolled past us.

  She grinned. “That’s good about his eye, at least. What time do you have lunch?”

  “A few minutes past noon. You?”

  “Twelve-fifteen. Save a seat for me, okay?”

  I widened my eyes, trying to make them look inviting. “Absolutely.”

  “Great.”

  When she leaned back against her locker, I slid myself next to her so we both could see the hallway. “Quick question. Did you know Casey well? The kid who died?”

  “Not much, but some. Why? Did you know him?”

  I moved closer, so that our arms touched. “A little. I’m more curious about him than anything.”

  “Like a morbid curiosity?” Jenny asked, eyes wide and her mouth open.

  “That’s a good one.”

  “Thanks,” she said with a laugh.

  “Bartholomew,” Kyle called out.

  He held out his fist for me to bump. I obliged him.

  The bell rang. All of the kids scurried about as they went to their first class of the day. It looked like an organized ant farm.

  “I’m off to class,” Jenny said. “Bye.”

  “Okay.” I told her goodbye as she disappeared into the wave of students.

  “Cockblock much?” I snapped at Kyle.

  Kyle’s face went pale. “Sorry.”

  I waved him off. “It’s fine. What’s up?”

  “I wanted to thank you. For helping with… you know. I can’t tell you what a relief it is not to have to worry about Clayton and Darrel. If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.”

  I pushed myself off the lockers and entered the current of moving bodies. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

  The morning came and went about as quickly as possible, which is to say not very fast at all. In normal time, it took four hours for lunchtime to roll around, but today, it felt like about four months. I walked into the cafeteria, which served fish filet sandwiches as today’s featured item. Josh and Sam walked toward me with their lunch trays, then moved right on past, wisely giving me room to breathe.

  I picked at my fish sandwich. Looking up, I noticed Jenny sitting across from me.

  “I did some thinking earlier,” she said. “About what you asked me.”

  I leaned forward. “You did?”

  Jenny opened her Diet Coke and took a sip. “Yeah. What all do you know about Casey?”

  I picked up the sandwich, then dropped it on the tray, landing with a squishy thump. “Not much. I know he’d been dating someone, but not much beyond that. I really want to find out who that was.”

  Jenny opened her water bottle and took a sip. “Why? If you didn’t really know Casey, you don’t owe him, or this mystery girl, anything.”

  This conversation went around in circles. I needed to give her something bigger to get anything of use out of her. “I know what happened. I was there. At the museum. He didn’t die from some random heart attack, or whatever excuse the doctors laid out.”

  Jenny’s jaw dropped. If the jaw hadn’t been securely fastened to her head, it would’ve fallen off and landed on the table.
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br />   “Are you serious? Why haven’t you told anybody? Why haven’t you told the police?” She put a hand to her mouth. “Did you… did you have something to do with it?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head vehemently. A chair a few feet away from us screeched as some girl got up to take her tray to the trashcans. I hoped she hadn’t overheard anything.

  “Then for God’s sake, tell me what happened.”

  I forced myself to take a bite of the filet-o-fish, to give myself some time to mull over what to say. The filet tasted like someone forgot to fry it and hoped some breadcrumbs would mask the rank flavor. “It’s… difficult to explain. I don’t really believe it myself. And unless you’re the one he’d been seeing, I don’t feel comfortable telling you. I’d like her to know first.” I took another bite of “fish.”

  “Okay. I am the girl.”

  I spit out my bite, which landed on her tray. She looked at the piece of food, shocked, then burst out laughing. “Nice distance.”

  “Are you really her? Casey’s mystery girl?”

  Jenny picked up her fork and dug into her salad. “Sorry, no. I don’t know who she is. I just wanted to see what you’d say. The whole thing does sound… intriguing.”

  “That’s one word for it. Hey, don’t tell anybody what I told you, okay?”

  She crossed her heart with her index finger. “And hope to die.”

  I kept getting weird looks from everybody the rest of the day, like I’d silently farted, but everyone still knew I’d dealt it. One girl with pigtails stopped in front of me. I almost walked right through her.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You’re an attention whore,” she said. “You monster.”

  I mock gasped. “You’ve found me out.”

  A hand burst out of the crowd and grabbed me, pulling me in the opposite direction from where I’d been heading. The next thing I knew, I stood in the women’s bathroom, with a very hot and bothered Monica staring at me. I couldn’t tell if she wanted to bang me or hang me.

  “Did you tell Stacy Parker you killed Casey?” she asked, her breathing so heavy it gave her bosom a nice little heave-ho.

  “What? I don’t even know who that is.”