The Book of Bart Read online

  I shot straight up in my seat. “Yes, Miss Evans. Sorry.”

  After class, I threw my notebook and copy of Macbeth into my Fossil satchel. It turned out I really needed something to carry my stuff around in. I worried what would become of me if I kept adapting to high school, especially in the wardrobe department. The kids snickered at my satchel, which cost three times as much as their book bags. At least they didn’t laugh at my suit, I guess.

  “Hey, do you want to do something later?” Jenny asked. She clutched her three-ring binder close to her chest.

  Score! Touchdown!

  “Sure. What did you have in mind?” Some sinning behind the gym, perhaps?

  “The Honor Society is going to read to kids at Wake Med hospital. You should come.”

  And the call has been reversed. No touchdown.

  Sick kids? What the Heaven kind of date is that?

  “Um, yeah, I don’t know. Hospitals kind of make me uncomfortable.” Not to mention reading to children constituted a good deed, making me predisposed to hate the idea.

  Jenny touched my arm lightly. “Come on. The way you tore Lady Macbeth a new one the other day? I bet you’re a natural with stories.” She leaned on the balls of her feet, swaying back and forth. “And afterward maybe we can get some food or something.”

  Ah. Okay. I see what’s going on here.

  I knew my animal magnetism would draw her in eventually. I smiled. I hadn’t won the game, but I’d take the tie. Do a little good now for a lot of bad later. “It’s a date.”

  I told Sam and Josh about going out with Jenny at lunch.

  Josh choked on his milk. When he finally managed to stop coughing and get himself under control, he said, “I’ve seen her around. She seems really nice. Don’t you dare do anything to hurt her.”

  “I have to, numb nuts. It’s the only way Monica will tell us who Vixen is.” I turned to Sam. “Speaking of which, what are you thinking going out for cheerleading? If you want to punish yourself, I’m sure there are a few S&M freaks who’d love to oblige you.”

  Sam swallowed a bite of her salad with care. “Josh and I talked about it last night, and we agreed. You shouldn’t hurt some poor, innocent girl if you don’t have to, so I thought maybe I’d go out for cheerleading, see if I could find something out on my own.”

  I rolled my head back. “We’ve been through this. You want to make it in the Mob, you have to break a few legs.”

  “Well, that’s why I’m going out for cheerleading. See if I can’t find out for myself who Vixen is.”

  The pre-angel made me want to pull my hair out, or at least mess it up a bit. “Monica knows you’re pure and innocent. She doesn’t know exactly what you are, but she knows something’s up.” I moved close to her, hoping she would understand I meant business. “Because of that, they’re literally going to treat you like a defenseless animal. They won’t go easy on you, and when they’re done, you’ll be lucky to have the self-esteem of a crack whore.”

  Josh dove right into defending Sam again. “I think Samantha can―”

  I shushed Josh. “Adults are speaking.”

  Sam took another bite of her salad. “I signed up for this. I signed you up for this. If I can avoid collateral damage, I will.”

  I sat back in my chair. “Fine. When you need a shoulder to cry on, don’t come crying to me. Yeah. Don’t come to me. Because… I won’t be there.”

  I stood and marched out of the cafeteria, pissed I’d screwed up what I’d tried to say.

  amantha still couldn’t accept my plans for Jenny. She crowed about there being a “better way” or some shit like that while she marched around her apartment. Whatever.

  “Get over it.” I stretched my legs across her coffee table. “It’s happening. Move on.”

  “I want my protest officially noted,” she said.

  “Noted.”

  “So, this is real? You’re actually reading to kids?” Sam asked in a calmer tone.

  “Of course,” I said. “I’m probably reading Go the Fuck to Sleep. That way it’ll be fun for everyone.”

  Sam burst out laughing. “That’s so… sweet?”

  The almost-angel had a gleam in her eye that needed to be toned down a notch or two. She needed to know I wasn’t trying to turn over a new leaf or anything like that.

  “There’s always been kind of an unspoken rule about kids,” I said. “The goal is to get people to go sour over time, not taint them right out of the gate when they don’t know any better.”

  “No sport,” Josh said. “Right?”

  “Amongst other things,” I said, ignoring his sarcasm. “There’s just no fun in tainting children. Especially sick ones.” I sighed. How did I get into this conversation again? I glared at Sam. “That still doesn’t mean I’m happy about this. You don’t get tax write-offs in Hell for volunteering.”

  “So, what?” Josh asked. “No gold stars in Hell for doing the right thing?”

  Josh dangled the bait out there, hoping I would latch onto it like a good little fish and snap at him.

  I didn’t.

  Sam asked if she could go. She just had to see me doing something good. Josh, on the other hand, decided to pass, saying he needed to do a few things around the city. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about him getting in my way.

  Sam drove me to Wake Med, where I met up with Jenny and the other Honor Society members. Virgins, the lot of them. Paradise. Glancing at the group of them, I saw every girl let her gaze linger a moment too long on me.

  “Hey, you made it,” Jenny said with a smile.

  I returned her smile, showing off my sparkling teeth. “Of course. This is my friend, Samantha.”

  Samantha shook Jenny’s hand. “Sorry to crash your party, but when Bartholomew told me about this… well, I had to see it for myself.” She held up a copy of Green Eggs and Ham. “Is this okay?”

  Jenny gave her a thumbs-up. “Perfect.”

  I held up Go the Fuck to Sleep, making sure to plaster a shit-eating grin on my face. “How about this?”

  Jenny laughed. “Oh my gosh,” she said in a hushed tone, like it embarrassed her to even talk about it. “You can’t read that to the kids.”

  “Why not? You said a children’s book. This is for kids of all ages,” I said, acting bashful. “You didn’t specify that adult language was frowned upon. This may be the only time these kids get to enjoy filth. In their entire life. Honestly, I feel I owe it to them.” I should’ve snuck in an issue of Playboy.

  “What if one of the teachers sees it? You’ll get in big trouble.”

  “Okay, okay. I guess I’ll read this one instead.” I pulled a copy of Walter the Farting Dog out of my satchel. Sam had made me pick it up, just in case. Or as she put it, “when they say no to the dirty book.”

  Jenny grinned. “Much better.”

  Two teachers with the group led us upstairs into the children’s section of Wake Med. The air smelled of death and sickness as soon as I stepped onto the floor—normally my favorite scents, but not when it came from little kids. It felt wrong on so many levels.

  The teachers led me into the cancer ward and sat me down next to a boy who looked about five. All his hair had fallen out. Even his eyebrows. Someone had raised the mattress so he could sit up while I read to him.

  “Hello,” he said weakly.

  “Hi there. I’m Bart.” Sick children don’t have to pronounce my entire name. Bartholomew is probably too long for them anyway. I extended my hand. He gently shook it.

  His eyes lit up upon touching my skin. “You’re different.”

  Being in life-threatening situations made mortals more prone to seeing our true nature, especially children. Their vision hadn’t been beaten down by reality yet, making them doubly able to see things differently.

  “I am, but don’t worry about that. I’m just here to read this fine piece of modern literature to you.”

  I cracked open Walter the Farting Dog and read aloud. The little boy, Erik, smil
ed and laughed as best he could at the story without hurting himself. Even I found it funny. Dogs and farting really were a winning combination. When I finished, I looked up at him. His eyes beamed.

  “So, you liked the story?” I asked.

  “Yep. I liked the farts. And Walter.”

  I stood. “I’m glad. Well, I think I should go read to someone else. Get better soon, stay strong, all that stuff.”

  “Is there a Heaven?”

  I stopped and glanced back at Erik. I’d hoped our time together wouldn’t lead to a discussion about the existence of you know who. The question gave me a sick feeling inside. Truth be told, I only really cared about farting dogs at the moment.

  Sighing, I sat back down. “Do you think there is?”

  Erik’s face lit up.

  I smiled. “Well, then. There you go. You don’t need me to tell you there is if you have faith.” Being this kind hurt. I’d almost rather just kiss a virgin goodnight and leave her unsoiled by my sinful touch than be nice to sick kids.

  “Will I go to Heaven when I die?”

  I did not want to go there. I liked to operate on a plane of existence that bordered on the surreal and avoid serious conversations about things like life, spirituality, and the perfect bra size. This whole thing just got way too real for my tastes.

  “I guess so, yeah. If you’re into that sort of thing.”

  “Will you?”

  This kid killed me. I shook my head. “I’ve already been there.”

  Erik leaned closer to me. “Did you like it?”

  “Not really, but then again I’m a little bit of a troublemaker.”

  “Is that why you’re not there anymore? You got in trouble?”

  I snorted. “When don’t I get in trouble?”

  “Did you at least say you’re sorry?”

  “I don’t think they’d care if I did.” I needed to get out of there. Erik was just too adorable for words. “Tell you what. How about I put in a good word for you?”

  Erik coughed. “What about you?”

  I patted the kid’s arm. “I’ll be okay. You will be too, no matter what happens. I promise.”

  Never in a million years had I ever thought I’d say something nice about those armpit stains upstairs. “Now get some rest, okay?”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  I held my gaze on the boy for a second. That was why children were off limits. They were just too innocent. Too sweet. Pissed me off how cute they could be.

  I got to my feet. Sam stood off to the side.

  Paying no mind to my embarrassment, I pointed at her face. “Your eyes are leaking.”

  She sniffed and wiped the tears away. “That was so… wow.”

  I walked out of the room, Sam trailing behind me. “Spare me. All I did was adhere to the previously established boundaries concerning children.”

  “Still. That… There is good in you.” Sam put her hand on my shoulder.

  I shrugged her off. I got so angry, my horns pressed against my skull.

  “I’m not Darth Vader. I’m a demon. I’m bad. Down to my very core. You’d be wise to remember that,” I said, snapping at her.

  Jenny came down the hall, a content look on her face. I walked over to her, giving her a high-five.

  She stared at Sam. “Is she okay?”

  “I think she’s a bit overwhelmed by everything. Plus she’s also never really seen me in action when I’m in do-gooder mode.”

  Jenny perked up. “You have a do-gooder mode?”

  “Sometimes, yeah.” Lies. Nothing but lies.

  We hung around the hospital for a little while, just long enough to say bye to all the children, then I left Sam to fend for herself while Jenny and I went to dinner at some franchise restaurant. Because, well… why not? If people only knew how awful those places were. One meal probably shaved a good twelve hours off a lifespan.

  “So tell me a little bit about yourself,” I said.

  Jenny sipped from her ice water and dove right in. Her mother died when Jenny was seven, of leukemia. She didn’t have any siblings. She had applied for early admission to UNC-Chapel Hill. I knew a few people over there, but I had no interest in the place, as they’d already sold their souls several times over for basketball success. That well ran dry a long time ago.

  “I want to be a doctor, to hopefully save people from my mom’s fate,” she said.

  “That’s noble. Very noble,” I said, placing my hand on top of hers. “It’s rare when people your—I mean our—age have such a clear idea of where they want their lives to go.”

  She smiled, her eyes glowing under the soft lighting. “Thanks. It just kind of came to me, really. I feel like it’s my destiny, almost. Like fate. What about you?”

  I chuckled to myself. “Me? I’ll probably stumble through existence as some sort of Hell-raiser.”

  “So you want to be an actor-slash-playboy?”

  I managed to choke on a piece of ice before it melted in my over-warm throat.

  Jenny burst out laughing.

  I held up my hand. “No, please, don’t worry about me,” I said, coughing. “I’m fine.” I waited until I’d got myself under control before speaking again. “Not an actor, per se. But someone who plays a lot of different roles, I guess. I like to be involved in all walks of life.”

  Jenny nodded and looked off to the side, like she pondered what that meant. “So… an actor?”

  “Yes,” I said. My phone rang. “Sorry.” I reached into my pocket, forwarded the call to voicemail and set the phone to vibrate.

  The waitress delivered our food. I picked at mine, since demons didn’t exactly need to eat. Especially this garbage. Jenny followed suit, probably because she didn’t want to seem like a pig. Girls were so insecure. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I bit the inside of my mouth, trying to hide my frustration.

  “So do you have a date for Homecoming?” Jenny asked, blushing.

  Now we were getting down to business.

  “Nope. I’m not that smooth.” Actually I was, but sometimes the situation called for a little false modesty. “I’ve been at school only a few days.”

  Jenny grinned. “Would you like to―?”

  “Unbelievable.” My phone rang again. “I’m so sorry, but someone keeps calling me. Do you mind?”

  She pulled her phone out. “Nope. I’ll just sit here and tweet about our date.”

  “Great.” I looked at the caller. Sam. I walked around the corner of the booth so Jenny couldn’t hear me lecture Sam.

  “You have the worst timing, you know that?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, sounding out of breath. “It’s Josh. We need your help.”

  “That’s hysterical.” I rolled my eyes. “Wait. Is it life threatening?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” I ended the call.

  Sam immediately rang back.

  I didn’t want to, but I answered. Otherwise she would just keep calling back until I lost my temper and jammed a chicken finger in someone’s ear.

  “If he dies, that’s one less problem I have to deal with.”

  “Please? He was out hunting and got injured.”

  My jaw dropped. “Hunting? Now? What an idiot.” I ground my teeth. “I’ll be right there.”

  told Jenny I had an emergency and we needed to cut our dinner short, which was sort of true. Naturally, she understood and had her food boxed up while I paid the bill. She even sped a little on the way home.

  “You don’t have to speed,” I said. “I’d rather we just got there in one piece.”

  And if we happened to be too late and Josh died? My bad, guys. So sorry.

  “But you said it’s an emergency. We need to get you to your friend.”

  Oh, the bleeding hearts. I’d truly enjoy destroying this one.

  “Well, he said it was an emergency, but who knows with… You know what? Keep speeding.” Speeding is breaking the law, making it a minor sin. Score one for me. “I can’t thank you enough. It’s
so kind of you to do this.”

  “Is he okay? What happened?”

  “I’m not sure. But if it’s anything less than his hair catching on fire, I’m going to be very upset.” I glanced over at Jenny. “Especially since he ruined such a wonderful evening.”

  Jenny smiled and tilted her head away, like being complimented embarrassed her. “Thanks. I had a good time, too.”

  We pulled up at Sam’s apartment complex. I opened the door to get out, then leaned back in. “Sorry about all this, but we should definitely see each other again. Outside of school, I mean.”

  She glanced at me through some strands of hair. “I’d like that.”

  I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

  “And I’d love to go to the Homecoming Dance with you,” I whispered in her ear.

  A slight moan escaped her lips as I pulled back and got out of the car. Blessed Heaven, was I smooth, or what?

  Sam’s apartment looked like a Serbian death squad marched through it, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. I stepped over the bloody shirts and towels littering the floor. Josh lay on her kitchen table, a blood-soaked towel on his face.

  “Did you poke yourself in the eye with scissors? While running? Please say you did, because that would be priceless.”

  “Go to Hell,” Josh spat out from underneath the towel, extending his middle finger toward me.

  “I’d love to,” I said. As long as I went on my own terms, and as a free demon, at least.

  “Finally,” Sam said, walking past me with more towels in her hand.

  “What did the dipshit do this time?” I asked.

  “I’m right here, I can speak for myself,” he said.

  I folded my arms. “What did you do this time, dipshit?”

  Left by himself, Josh figured he would hunt a minion he had a lead on. The moron had actually gotten himself bloodied chasing Hell’s equivalent of an indentured servant. I snorted. This couldn’t have been better if he had poked his eye out with a pair of scissors.

  “I’d tracked the minion to Pullen Park when your smoke monster thing attacked me,” he said. “I tried to kill it, but no luck.”

  “And in the process lost his eye,” Sam said, switching out the bloody towel with a fresh one.