The Book of Bart Page 9

  We walked to her car, which was next to Moore Square, a small park across the street from Rum Runners, in an unlit strip of road. I debated having a smoke but decided against it. Much as I wanted one, I didn’t want to risk scaring Cassandra off. Some people can be so touchy about smoking.

  What happened next should’ve been as obvious as a girl on a street corner trying to pull a trick.

  Cassandra pulled out her keyless entry and pushed a button, making her car’s lights blink on and off as the car unlocked. The vehicles on either side of hers turned on their lights and the doors opened. People stepped out, but the blinding light of the high beams hid their identities.

  I really should’ve seen this coming. I’d been over-excited about deflowering Cassandra, sure, but that’s no excuse. If a girl approached me, chances were she was an experienced pro. And probably from Hell. I should’ve sniffed out Cassandra within five seconds of meeting her.

  I stopped. “You know what? It’s kind of late and I have a test in the morning. I think I’m just going to walk home. Lovely to meet you and everything.”

  Cassandra turned and kissed me on the lips. “I wouldn’t do that.”

  “I’m sorry to be a tease, but I’m not really in a partying mood, so I think I’ll be on my way.” I turned to make a run for it, but a dark figure stood in front of me.

  “Stay awhile,” the man said.

  He sprayed something cold in my face, and the fire coursing through my demon veins literally froze. The only thing that could do that to me was Hell Water—scooped from the frigid terrain of the Ninth Circle—and only two beings in the universe could handle the stuff. Lucifer and his son, Nicholas. And I knew Lucifer wouldn’t pull a stunt like this.

  My body fell over, but Cassandra caught me before my face planted on the ground. A bunch of hands grabbed me, then picked me up by my feet and carried me over to a car. I banged my head when they threw me in the trunk. I had to admit to getting sick of this little routine. Some manners would go a long way toward making these kidnapping situations more tolerable.

  “Been a long time, Bart. A long time,” Nicholas said as he smiled above me. “If you had come willingly, Cassandra here might have given you a happy ending to our little transaction. Pity.”

  “He’s right” she said.

  The trunk slammed shut. Cassandra lied about being a virgin, but I’d still have had a go with her, just to end the drought. Bless it all. The next entity that pulled something like this would get a horn up their ass.

  The car pulled to a stop and the engine cut off. I heard doors open and close, then Nicholas popped open the trunk.

  He smiled down at me, showing off his blindingly white teeth. “Sorry about the theatrics, but I knew you wouldn’t voluntarily listen to me. Can you move?”

  I could, a little. Enough to wrap my hands around his throat. I decided to keep that to myself for now and remained frozen.

  Nicholas tsked. “I thought you were stronger than that. You must not have been exposed to a lot of Hell Water in your day. I, however,” he took out the small canister and sprayed some into his mouth, “find it quite refreshing.”

  A cold mist escaped his lips as he spoke. The showoff.

  He reached in to pull me out. Once his throat got close enough, I extended my nails and buried them in his neck. I squeezed, hoping I could reach his spine. I felt vertebrae rub against the claws, but I didn’t have the reach to get a good grip.

  Nicholas reached into his pocket and sprayed the Hell Water into my face, freezing me with my hand in his throat. He tried to free himself from my death grip, but because of the Hell Water, neither of us could move. Served him right.

  “A little help?” he called out, his voice scratchy and gurgling, thanks to me.

  Cassandra came over and tried to pry my hand loose. They didn’t budge. I wished I could smile, but either way, this was awfully poetic.

  “He’s frozen solid,” she said. “The only way to get free is to melt his hands with holy water.”

  I hadn’t considered that before trying to rip Nicholas’s throat out. That would stink. I liked my hands. I needed them, for groping virgins and such.

  “No,” Nicholas said.

  Whew.

  He glared at me. “He’s going to need those hands.”

  Once I could move my eyes, I glanced up at him. I tried to make my look say something along the lines of nanny nanny boo-boo.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he said.

  Guess he understood my look.

  “What do you want to do?” Cassandra asked. The other demons with them looked on with mouths agape, as if in shock I’d done this to their fearless leader.

  “Wait,” he said. “He’ll thaw soon enough.”

  I felt sensation return.

  “Get the holy water,” Nicholas said. “In case.” He returned the look I gave him a moment ago.

  Within moments, Cassandra held a two-liter bottle of holy water over my head, a depraved smile on her face. “Been a while since I’ve ruined a face as pretty as yours.”

  She should’ve been there when Josh spat holy water at me the other day. Considering the excited look on her face, I’d bet good money the sight would’ve gotten her off.

  After a few more minutes, I could wiggle my hands. Nicholas tried to free himself again, but that only made things worse. Finally, one of his cronies got my hand out.

  Nicholas stumbled backward. He caught his balance, then placed his arms on his hips and cracked his spine. The finger-shaped wounds around his neck healed, leaving no evidence I’d even hurt him.

  “It is not fun leaning over like that for so long,” he said in his normal voice.

  Cassandra set down the holy water. One of Nicholas’s henchmen helped her yank me out of the trunk and lean my body against the side of the car. We were in a parking deck and, from the glimpse I got of the Raleigh skyline, still downtown. I didn’t know what street, though it couldn’t be far from where they’d snatched me.

  Nicholas picked up the holy water and unscrewed the cap.

  “Not the suit,” I said. “I already had one ruined because of that blasted stuff.”

  He smirked. “Beautiful piece of fabric like that? Wouldn’t dream of it.” Nicholas pointed at one of his goons. “Take his shoes off.”

  Cassandra and the henchman removed my shoes and socks, then threw them across the parking lot. I winced. They were probably scuffed beyond repair. Nicholas moved next to me and poured the holy water over my feet.

  I fell down, screaming in agony. My hands also caught some of the runoff when they hit the deck. I had to hand it to Nicholas. He knew how to be sadistic as Hell. Almost like he was born for the job.

  “That’s for thinking you’re smarter than me,” he said, grabbing my hair. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have your claws rub up against my spine?” He threw my head toward the concrete. “Get him up.”

  Two of his goons picked me up and set me down on a dry spot of concrete. I tried to stand, but my feet felt like they’d been grilled and sautéed in a fine vinaigrette.

  Nicholas kneeled down, meeting me eye-to-eye. “I know why you’re out of Hell.”

  I laughed. “Who’d you rape to get that information?”

  Nicholas’s gaze narrowed. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” He grabbed my face so hard my lips puckered out like a fish. “Here’s the deal. I want the Shard of Gabriel. Get it for me, and you can consider all your debts to Hell paid in full. All of them. You’ll be a free demon. We’ll be square. Heaven, you may even get a spot on my cabinet. Wouldn’t that be something? You’d finally have that respect you crave so much.”

  We’d be square? After I’d screwed up his plot to have Alexander the Great take over the world, Nicholas swore up and down he’d never forgive me. “Square?”

  He stood. “Forgive and forget.”

  “Even for―”

  “Even that.”

  The idea of getting the respect and adoration of my pe
ers sounded appealing, but no way he’d hold up his end of the bargain. “How do you know about the Shard?”

  “My room is right next to Dad’s. We have thin walls. Most of the time they’re too thin, but hey! Something worthwhile finally came of it after all these centuries.”

  I forced myself to my feet, even though standing felt like being crushed by a sledgehammer. “That’s an enticing offer. Can I think about it?”

  Nicholas pulled back his sleeve and looked at his watch. “Sure. You have… ten seconds. If I don’t hear a yes, the rest of the holy water is getting poured on your head and you get a one-way ticket to the Ninth Circle.” He took out his cellphone and wiggled it in the air. “I’ll even let Dad know you’re on the way, so he can be there to greet you when you arrive.”

  That certainly made this a difficult decision. Agree to a classic bait and switch or get sent to my own personal Hell. “How can I say no to that?”

  Nicholas’s face lit up. “Excellent.” He looked at Cassandra and the henchmen. “Let’s go.”

  They all started for their cars.

  I held out my hands. “Can I get a ride home, at least?”

  Nicholas opened the door to his Lexus and shook his head. “Afraid not. Don’t want you dripping in the car.”

  “Come on. Don’t make me roll home. Think of the suit.”

  “It is a nice suit,” he said. “We’ll be in touch.”

  He disappeared inside. The car door slammed and everyone drove out of the parking deck, leaving me to figure out how to get home with a pair of half-melted feet. Fun. It hurt so much, it took me ten minutes to get my shoes and socks on. Once I’d managed to drag myself out of the parking deck, I looked up at the nearest street sign. Fayetteville Street. Only three blocks from home, yet I still didn’t walk through the front door until an hour later.

  I needed to put an end to this tomfoolery. No more would I be treated like some black sheep. I had to get my mojo back. I decided to pay Remy a visit after school tomorrow and get myself some sort of protection from both Heaven and Hell. Something a lot stronger than a rape whistle.

  chool went by the next day without incident—a welcome change after the previous night’s exploits—and I managed to arrive at Remy’s store without being abducted, making me two for two so far today. Marvin manned the counter. I cleared my throat.

  Marvin looked up at me and went pale. At least, as much as an African-American can.

  “Hey boss?” he called to the back. “Your demon friend is here.”

  Remy emerged from the rear of the store and greeted me with a handshake. “What’s up?”

  He had on a blue button-down shirt today, so he didn’t look quite so much like a bum.

  “I need some help.”

  “And here I thought you just dropped by to see my pretty face.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I need some babyproofing. If someone’s not spitting holy water in my face, I’m getting frozen with Hell Water.”

  Remy’s mouth fell open. “Hell Water? I thought that was just a myth.”

  “Afraid not. And don’t even think about getting your hands on it, unless you always wanted to be an ice sculpture when you grew up.”

  If he came into contact with Hell Water, he’d be frozen for ten thousand years, and when he thawed, scientists would ooh and ahh at his perfectly preserved body, proclaiming it to be the Missing Link.

  “So,” I said, clapping my hands together. “You got something that can keep me dry?”

  Remy scratched his head. “I think so. Come on back.”

  I followed Remy past the counter and Marvin’s frightened gaze. I made a move for Marvin, making him jump.

  “Come on, man,” he said.

  “Tough guy,” I said with a hearty chuckle.

  Remy stood next to a table covered by a pile of crocodile heads. He pointed at them. “For the kids.”

  “I’m more the shrunken head type.”

  We walked past several rows of vials, bones, and plants. Nothing I’d call powerful. They had small purposes, like changing someone’s mind or bringing good luck, but those trinkets didn’t interest me.

  The last row of shelves was stocked with items I didn’t even know Remy had. I saw a bejeweled knife, a wooden crucifix, even a knight’s helmet.

  “Here we go,” Remy said, picking up a silver chain on which a large, circular pendant hung. Etched into it was the face of a woman. “I don’t have anything that can protect you from Hell Water, or holy water for that matter. But this is the Charm of Agrippina. Wards off evil spirits.”

  I gave him a sardonic look. “How does that help me? I am an evil spirit.”

  Remy sighed. “Doin’ the best I can here.”

  I crossed my arms. “What else do you have, Q?”

  Remy shifted some items around, which made a loud bang as they fell over on the shelf. Surely the man had something that could help.

  “Here we go,” he said, holding up a very large bracelet.

  I burst into laughter. “You can’t expect me to wear that. I’ll get slaughtered at school.”

  “It’s the Bracelet of Saint Holos. It’ll at least help speed up healing.”

  Accelerated healing would increase the chances my wardrobe would survive another attack. I took it from him and my hands burned, starting to smoke almost at once. We both stared at the rising smoke for a moment, then I tossed the bracelet back to him.

  “There’s got to be some kind of charm a disinterested third party created to keep Heaven and Hell out of their business. Isn’t that what you deal in?”

  “Not many want to ward off Heaven and its agents.”

  I waved him off. “You and I both know that’s a load of bunk.”

  “I’m sorry. Since I left New Orleans, my selection just hasn’t been as diverse.”

  “Then go back. Improve business.”

  “Wish I could.” Remy leaned against the shelf, a blank look in his eyes. He must have been thinking. “I know of someone who collects rare artifacts. Rarer than my stuff. He may be able to help you, but it’s going to take a little time to get an address. And no promises, either. He might not be interested in selling.”

  I ran my hand through my hair. “We both know that’s never stopped me before.”

  “Fair enough.” Remy threw the Charm of Agrippina to me. “In the meantime, wear that. Should at least help with part of the problem. I’m sure if you wear it over your clothes or something, you’ll be fine.”

  With my hands smoking, I put the charm on over my suit. “I look like a vampire with this thing on.” I shook my hand, trying to get the burning sensation to go away.

  Remy chuckled. “I think it suits you. By the way, say hello to your angel girlfriend for me.”

  I expected school to be a struggle, wearing something as ridiculous as this necklace out in the open. I couldn’t have been more wrong. School wasn’t a struggle. It was an ordeal that made the Bataan Death March look like an evening stroll on a midsummer night. Okay, so maybe that was an exaggeration, but whatever.

  I tried to wear the charm on top of my undershirt but that still burned a little, forcing me to wear it in plain sight over everything so it wouldn’t hurt. Girls and guys pointed, snickered, and made snide comments as I passed them in the halls. This pissed me off. A demon should’ve owned this place, not been a punch line. The charm may have warded off evil spirits, but it didn’t keep humans from making a mockery of me.

  “What are you wearing? Do you want to blow whatever cover you have?” Monica asked. Her eyes looked a bit crossed at the sight of the charm. She leaned back against a locker. “I can barely look at that thing.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t ask.” Interesting that she moved away from me. Very interesting.

  Monica crossed her arms. “Have you talked to Sam today?”

  “Should I have?”

  “She’s trying out for the cheerleading squad.”

  I stopped. “She what?”

  “You heard me.”
>
  Cheerleaders were the most attractive and cruelest girls in every school for a reason. Most of them were either demons or girls who’d sold their souls for good looks and popularity; the rest tended to be out-and-out bitches. Samantha would be obliterated on a molecular level in that group. Monica did me a favor telling me this. She had to know Sam was different, and that the pseudo-angel wouldn’t be able to hack it with the cheerleading squad. She probably assumed if something happened to her, our deal might become null and void.

  I tried for nonchalance. “She can take care of herself. Besides, you think she’ll listen to me?”

  “I’d hope so. I don’t know what your end game here is, and I’m not sure I want to.” Monica looked at her cellphone and began pecking away at the buttons. “I have to go. Duty calls. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. And seriously, take that thing off. It’s creepy.”

  “Thanks,” I said. The bell rang as I watched her leave. Female demons had the best rears in the universe.

  I made my way to Miss Evans’s class. She had her back to everyone, writing notes on the blackboard. I took my seat and tried to see past her luscious body to the board. What would the Macbeth discussion center on today? I hoped we would talk about whether or not Lady Macbeth liked spanking.

  “Hey,” Jenny whispered. She sat next to me today. “What’s up with that necklace?”

  “I lost a bet.”

  She tilted her head to the side, a sympathetic look on her face. “I’m sorry. How long do you have to wear it?”

  “Who knows? Does it at least bring out my eyes?” I tried to make them look as big and wide as possible. They pressed against my eye sockets I pushed them out so far. Any farther, they might pop out.

  “You wouldn’t believe,” she said with a wink.

  Miss Evans turned and began lecturing about Macbeth again. I put on my best blank face and tuned her out almost immediately. I wasn’t in the mood for this today. I felt so out of it I didn’t even have the slightest bit of attraction toward her. Jenny didn’t seem up for it either. She excused herself to go to the bathroom a few minutes into class.

  “Bartholomew? You awake?” Miss Evans asked.