The Book of Bart Read online

  “I am.” Lucifer dug in his pocket and tossed me his pack of cigarettes. “They’re Red Circle,” he said. “Consider it a going-away present.”

  I shook the pack to see how many remained. Almost full. “Nice.”

  “Remember, without your horns you’re no longer under my umbrella. I can’t help you, unless I want to.”

  “And we both know you’ll only do that at a price.”

  Lucifer grinned. “Bingo.” Nicholas tried to get free of his dad, but Satan held him down. “This is for your own good, boy.”

  I helped Josh to his feet.

  “We should go,” I said to Sam. “They’re going to be here a while.”

  We returned to the crowd of people to the sound of Nicholas weeping between spankings.

  aramedics loaded Josh into one of the ambulances that had arrived. Sam and I followed him in the Hyundai to Wake Med hospital. After two hours in the waiting room, a doctor showed up, saying that Josh received a severe concussion, a few broken ribs, and a cracked jaw, probably from when Powell’s lackeys beat the snot out of him.

  “All you two can do, I’m afraid, is go home,” the doctor said. “He’s going to be here for a few days.”

  “Shucks,” I said, snapping my fingers.

  Though, I had to hand it to the kid. He’d definitely played through the pain.

  Monday morning, Sam and I stopped by school. We had no reason to be here anymore, except I needed to pick up the favor Monica said she’d taken care of for me.

  “Why are we here again?” Sam asked.

  “Trust me.” I fished out the DVD Monica put in my locker. I handed it to Sam.

  “What’s this?”

  “Your own personal Count of Monte Cristo.” I debated the best way to word it. “Let’s just say that if you ever want to get back at Coach Mort…” I gestured to the DVD, “now you can.”

  I could see the gears churning inside Sam’s head. “So Monica—”

  “Had a DVD of Coach Mort banging a student. It’s where I got the idea for Jenny’s rumor.”

  Sam cradled the DVD in her arms. I thought the tears would start flowing at any second.

  “Thank you,” she said. “This means… the world to me that you would do this.” She turned around and threw the DVD in the trash.

  I couldn’t believe it.

  “What the blazes are you doing? You literally just said how much it meant to you that I got this for you.”

  “And it does. But I can’t do that to him,” she said. “I’m trying to be an angel.”

  “Are you, though?” I asked.

  “Well, archangel.”

  “Archangels can have a little fun.”

  “Regardless, I have to forgive him and turn the other cheek. We both know he’ll get his in the end anyway.”

  “That’s true. God’s paybacks are the worst. Well… second worst. Or third. Whatever.”

  She threw her arms around me and hugged me tight.

  “Thank you, though. Thank you so much.”

  Sam leaned in and kissed me on the lips. Not the cheek, mind you, but the lips. I felt a slight tingle down in my nibblies.

  “That was a thank-you kiss. Don’t go getting any ideas.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  We headed off to the hospital to visit Josh. I kept my fingers crossed that the extent of his injuries forced him to pee in a bucket. Sam and I walked down the hallway to his hospital room.

  “Do you think Josh will have brain damage? Will he be able to talk right?” I asked. “What about reading? Will he have to relearn that?”

  “Behave.”

  “I’m just saying. His brain could’ve been put through a cotton candy machine.”

  Josh slept soundly as we entered.

  “Do not shout at him,” Sam whispered. “For all we know, he might die if you scare him.”

  “Maybe I’ll shine a flashlight in his face. See if that does him in.”

  Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Stop.”

  “Josh,” I said softly. “Wake up, little prince.”

  I moved in closer to him.

  “Don’t.”

  “Sleepy head,” I whispered, next to the bed. I glanced back at Sam and smiled. My face hovered over Josh’s. “There’s a naked nurse in here.”

  Josh’s eyes opened. He screamed when he saw me inches from his face.

  “What the Hell?”

  I fell back against the wall, laughing.

  Sam flicked me on the ear. “You’re so mean,” she said, taking a seat on Josh’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’ve been better. Don’t remember a whole lot.”

  “That will get worse with age, by the way,” I said. They both shot evil looks at me. “It’s true. Ask an old person their name. I guarantee you most of them have to look at their ID as a reminder. That’s not mean. It’s science.”

  “Out in the hall,” Sam said.

  “Yes, ma’am.” I nodded to her and waited outside Josh’s room. A couple of overweight nurses smiled at me as they passed by.

  No thanks.

  Sam tapped me on the arm. “He wants to see you.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. But be nice, okay?”

  Right. “I—”

  “Promise.”

  “Fine. I promise.” I sighed.

  Josh propped himself up in bed. He seemed to at least be somewhat coherent.

  “Demon, you and I have some unsettled business.”

  I took a seat in one of the uncomfortable chairs. “We do?”

  “You killed my father, remember?”

  “I’d completely forgotten,” I said, without a hint of sincerity. “What do you propose we do about that?”

  “I wanted to kill you. Still do, sort of. But Sam talked me about of it.”

  That’s so sweet. She really is an angel.

  “All right.”

  “She reminded me I’d most likely be dead if not for you. So here’s the deal. I don’t like you. You don’t like me. You cross me one day, we’ll revisit this conversation. Until then, truce.”

  This kid and his hollow threat didn’t scare me, but I promised Sam—wait. I’d promised her something? Sneaky devil.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Good.” He extended his hand. I didn’t want to, but I shook it. Stupid promises.

  “Well?” Sam asked.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I said, walking past her.

  “Sure you don’t want to read to some kids?” She caught up to me, a childish grin on her face.

  I pressed the button for the elevator.

  “No, but I wouldn’t mind sneaking into the cancer ward to give some sickly lady a proper sendoff.” I couldn’t keep a straight face.

  “That would probably be the most humanitarian thing you’ve ever done.”

  My smile immediately disappeared. “Forget it, then.”

  “Why not?” a man asked. He had a scraggly beard, wore Converse All-Stars, and had a Frankie Says Relax t-shirt on underneath a brown corduroy jacket.

  The hairs on my body stood up straight. If I didn’t already know him, I’d have assumed he worked at Starbucks or Trader Joe’s.

  “Gabriel. You lazy sack of cow dung,” I said.

  “Hello, Bartholomew. It’s been a long time.”

  “Not long enough.” Just being near him made all my pent-up anger boil to the surface. This was the angel who’d outed me to God as one of Lucifer’s conspirators and had me expelled from Heaven.

  “I won’t be long. Just here for the last little piece of my mirror.” He held out his hand.

  Sam glanced at me, then reached into her purse and gave it to him. He held the Shard in his hands. I watched as it disappeared in a green haze.

  “Couldn’t get all the pieces back yourself?” I asked.

  “I could’ve, but the Shard chose you. Just think. What greater hope for humanity than an angel and a demon teaming up to save the world. That’s Lifetime mov
ie of the week stuff right there.”

  “You shut your filthy mouth with that kind of talk.” I wanted to punch that condescending grin off Gabriel’s face so bad. His sense of self-entitlement disgusted me.

  “Excellent work, Samantha,” Gabriel said. “Really. The brass is very impressed.”

  “Thanks,” she said.

  I held my hand over my mouth.

  “I wouldn’t take that as a compliment,” I said to her, loud enough for the prick angel to hear.

  “I heard that,” he said.

  “Did you?” I asked loudly.

  Gabriel looked like he tried to hide his enjoyment. “It’s funny. They’re even impressed with you, Bartholomew. You and Samantha make an excellent team.”

  What the who? The brass? Does he mean like the brass, or a brass horn section?

  “Me?”

  The angel nodded. “And, in light of the situation with your horns and all, they’d be willing to let you back into the fold on a probationary basis. That, and a massive attitude change on your part.”

  There was always a catch. Because I’d helped them in this interdepartmental operation, they were willing to consider letting me back in. Always a catch with these guys.

  “Pass.”

  Whatever joy Gabriel might’ve been experiencing disappeared.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I didn’t stutter,” I said. “I think I’m going to play on my own team for a while. See how that goes. Can’t do any worse.”

  “Do you what you have to do, Bartholomew,” Gabriel said. “But know that we’re all rooting for you.”

  Rooting for me?

  “The Shard may contain the wisdom of God, but with that wisdom also comes the compassion of the Almighty. Perhaps you were chosen for a reason.”

  “Whatever,” I said with a shrug. “Go back to Starbucks and make some Frappuccinos and listen to Emo rock.”

  I left him and Sam there by the elevator, the same shocked look on their faces. I took the stairs down to the first floor. What did that momma’s boy mean, they were all rooting for me? Did they know something I didn’t?

  I patted the flask of bourbon in my jacket. I decided to take a trip to the cafeteria as I stepped into the lobby. Some bad hospital coffee would probably go great with this liquor. I strolled past the elevator as it opened.

  “Hey,” Sam said as she ran to catch up with me. “That was pretty gutsy. Stupid, but gutsy.”

  “Sounds like me in a nutshell.” I showed her the flask. “Care for some coffee with a kick?”

  “I could go for that.”

  We moved down the hallway in silence.

  “He told you to stick with me, didn’t he?” I asked.

  “Maybe I volunteered to stick with you.”

  I stopped and turned to her.

  “I can see that. All I’ve done is show you how to enjoy yourself in this cosmic joke of an existence. Only makes sense you’d want to keep learning from the master, now that I’m on my own and free of all rules and responsibilities.”

  She arched her eyebrows. “You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

  I snuck a sip of my bourbon. “I know I am.”

  I held out the flask.

  To my surprise, she took it. Sam got maybe a thimbleful of bourbon in her mouth before she started coughing.

  I patted her on the back, telling her to take it like a man.

  “You have to admit it,” she said when the coughing subsided, “I’m much better at all of this than you originally thought.”

  “I don’t know about that. You need to keep that ever-expanding head of yours in check. It gets too big, you might not be able to keep standing.”

  “You seem to be doing fine.”

  “Look at you with the burn.”

  We continued talking trash as we walked into the cafeteria to drink some spiked coffee. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but something about what Gabriel said kept gnawing at me. I felt like I’d exercised free will and rebelled against everything to go my own way, yet I couldn’t escape the idea that I’d just followed the steps in somebody else’s plan. Throw in Sam having a chance to decide Coach Mort’s fate, and it made a little too much sense. Could everything I had done have gone according to a blueprint someone else had created? Someone who not only was a higher power than me, but a complete asshole to boot?

  Nah.

  Growing up, Ryan Hill used to spend his time reading and writing instead of doing homework. This resulted in an obsession with becoming a writer, but also a gross incompetence in the fields of science and mathematics.

  A graduate of North Carolina State University, Ryan has been a film critic for over five years. He lives in Raleigh, NC, with his dog/shadow Maggie. Ryan also feels strange about referring to himself in the third person.

  Now that you have completed this book, we hope you will leave a review so that other readers may benefit from your perspective. Authors like Ryan Hill live and die by your reviews, after all!

  Please visit http://curiosityquills.com/reader-survey/ to share your reading experience with the author of this book!

  Stiltskin, by Andrew Buckley

  (http://bit.ly/Q5XI1G)

  What would you do if you found an evil dwarf in your bathtub?

  In Robert Darkly’s case, the discovery propels him across a parallel world on the other side of our own reality; a world where fairy tales are real but not in the way we’ve come to expect them.

  The evil dwarf Rumpelstiltskin, convicted of murder, has escaped from his tower prison on a sinister plot to finish what he started so many years ago.

  Robert Darkly must partner with the mysterious ‘Agency’ to pursue Rumpelstiltskin across our world and the world of Thiside touncover the treacherous secret that threatens to throw both realities into eternal chaos.

  The Department of Magic, by Rod Kierkegaard, Jr.

  (http://j.mp/16xQgna)

  Magic is nothing like it seems in children’s books. It’s dark and bloody and sexual – and requires its own semi-mythical branch of the US Federal Government to safeguard citizens against everpresent supernatural threats.

  Join Jasmine Farah and Rocco di Angelo – a pair of wet-behind-the-ears recruits of The Department of Magic – on a nightmare gallop through a world of ghosts, spooks, vampires, and demons, and the minions of South American and Voodoo gods hell-bent on destroying all humanity in the year 2012.

  Darkness Watching, by Emma L. Adams

  (http://j.mp/1aFHJv1)

  Eighteen-year-old Ashlyn is one interview away from her future when she first sees the demons. Having withdrawn from the outside world out of fear that she’s going mad, Ash is thrown back into reality when she moves away to university.

  New friendships, bizarre flatmates and all-night pirate-themed parties are part of the package of student life. But when she meets Aquila, a reckless party-goer with a secret, Ash learns that there’s something else that drew her to the small village of Blackstone: the presence of the Venantium, gatekeepers of the barrier between our world and the Darkworld - the source of magic and the home of demons.

  Exacting Essence, by James Wymore

  (http://j.mp/1qAIGgM)

  Remember waking up late in the night after a nightmare? Your mother holding you tight and whispering it's all just a dream and everything would be all right? She lied.

  Evil clowns haunted Megan's dreams for years. Even though nobody ever said she was crazy, she knew they were all thinking it. With her life falling apart, she turns suicidal until a new therapist suggests the impossible: dreams are real.

  Most, of course, forget theirs as soon as they wake up. Megan is not so lucky. She's also not so powerless.

  Appetizer:

  Book Cover

  Copyright & Publisher

  Title Page

  Main Course:

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  C
hapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Dessert:

  About the Author

  Closing

  More from Curiosity Quills Press

  Table of Contents

  Copyright & Publisher

  Title Page

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen