The Book of Bart Page 26

“Go talk to Sam,” I said.

  Josh nodded.

  Jenny blew a kiss at him. “Thanks for the dance, sweetie.”

  Josh smiled and waved before disappearing into the crowd.

  “I missed you,” Jenny said, wrapping her arms around me. “Where did you and Sam run off to?”

  “She wanted some advice on how to show interest in Josh while still being a lady.”

  Jenny’s eyes narrowed. “Is that so?”

  I laughed nervously. “It is. That girl has no idea what to do with a man.”

  At least, I hoped so.

  The vixen licked her lips. “Good thing I do. They don’t call me Vixen for nothing.”

  I tried to play dumb. “That’s a hot nickname. How did you get it?”

  Jenny ran her fingers through her hair, which left it looking just messed up enough to be sultry. Much as I wanted to destroy her, I still really wanted to bang her. Such was the demon’s curse.

  “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

  I wrapped my hands around her waist as a new song began. She shimmied down to crotch height, then sprang back up.

  “My guess is you’re a terrific lay.”

  Jenny kissed me, taking hold of my lower lip with her teeth. It snapped back into place when she released it.

  “That’s true, but you really don’t remember me?”

  “From where?”

  Jenny pouted. “I remember you. From the museum. You didn’t know Casey at all, did you?”

  “Sure I did.”

  “Liar. You lie as easily as you breathe.”

  True. “Okay, so I didn’t know Casey. Certainly not as well as you did, you little vixen.”

  Jenny smiled at the mention of being called Vixen.

  “I don’t think anybody knew Casey as well as I did. I knew him inside… and out. It’s a tragedy. He cared about me so much. But once he found out the truth… What can you do? What’s one mortal measured against the world?”

  “You sent Josh after me too, didn’t you?”

  Jenny licked her lips. “I had to, after Pierce failed to send you back to Hell. Then I met you, and you’re so delicious, I decided to keep you for myself.”

  “That ridiculous charm I wore,” I said. “How were you able to fight it off?”

  “I couldn’t at first,” she said. “It made me throw up. But you don’t survive as long as I have without being able to adapt.”

  I doubted she’d go into detail about that, so I decided to move on. “What about our date? How did you get to Josh?”

  Jenny laughed, then licked my neck. “Did you actually see me reading to any kids?”

  I hadn’t. Sneaky, sneaky. “What are you? I have to know.”

  Jenny kissed my cheek. “Why?”

  “Indulge me. We both know I’ll be indulging every inch of you soon enough.” I doubted that, considering the turn our conversation had taken, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to keep her mind off destroying me.

  “That’s true.” She gazed into my eyes. “Since you just have to know, I’m a Golem.”

  Ah.

  That explained a lot. Golems were created from unformed material. Like smoke, or Silly Putty.

  “I thought they’d all died out during the Roman Empire.”

  Jenny held up my hand while she twirled around me.

  “They did. Except for me. I want the Shard so I can repopulate my race. I’ve been so lost without the Golem.”

  I almost felt sympathy for Jenny. Ever since my horns had been removed, I’d also felt lost.

  “Surely this is about more than just getting some buns in the oven.”

  Jenny enveloped me in her arms, resting her lips on my neck. “Of course. It’s about retribution against humans for exterminating us. But that part you’ll have to see for yourself,” she said, kissing my chin. “A girl has to keep a few things to herself.”

  “What about my car? Did you have to do that?”

  Jenny laughed against my neck. “Collateral damage. You would never be mine with those horns and your blind allegiance to Hell. That’s why I sent Kyle and his whore to relieve you of them. Now you’re a free agent, able to play for any team you choose.”

  I thought about telling her the only team I wanted to play for let me sleep with virgins, but I kept that to myself. She didn’t even apologize for Sweet Claudette.

  The song came to an end and the principal took to the stage. The crowd quieted down.

  “Welcome, everybody,” the principal said. “Before we bring the Homecoming Queen and King up here for the traditional dance, I’d like to have a moment of silence for Tyler Walton and especially Monica D’Amico, who was… hurt in that awful, awful accident on the arson float. Get well soon, Monica.” The principal closed his eyes, lowered his head, and placed his hand over his heart.

  Jenny giggled. “If they only knew, right?”

  “That you did in Monica yourself?”

  Jenny ticked her head to the side, giving me a deadpan stare. “Of course. Monica, being the gossipy bitch she is, somehow found out the truth. And me, being the powerful queen I am, squashed her for it.” She cupped her hand on my cheek. “At the exact moment I knew it would hurt you the most, my sweet.”

  “What about the fire? You knew it wouldn’t hurt Monica,” I said.

  Jenny shrugged. “The fire is on you. I would’ve won Homecoming Queen, but you spread that rumor about me sleeping with a teacher and killed that.” She moaned. “Yes, I know it was you. I’m not stupid. The float going up in flames ensured I’d become Homecoming Queen, since people won’t be wondering why Monica didn’t show up tonight to accept her crown.”

  One thing really ate at me, though. “But why? What’s so important about Homecoming?”

  Jenny kissed my chin. “This is high school. Everything takes on increased importance, even a simple case of spite. You of all… entities should know how much fun that is.”

  Indeed I did.

  The moment of silence ended and most people in the gym clapped. The principal called Jenny to the stage to accept her crown. Tyler’s replacement, Rob Nelson, followed her soon after.

  For some reason, they played Whitney Houston’s One Moment in Time for the pair to dance to. I waited for the dance to begin, so Jenny would be a little preoccupied, then I skulked out into the hallway, where Sam and Josh were already waiting.

  “Took you long enough,” Josh said.

  I glared at him and decided to move on. “You got it?”

  Sam held up the Shard. “Right here.”

  I motioned for her to go on and ask the thing how to destroy Jenny.

  She took a deep breath and looked into the Shard of Gabriel. “How do we stop Jenny? Here. Tonight. As soon as possible.”

  A greenish light shone on her face as the Shard told her what to do. After several seconds, the light disappeared. Sam had the answer.

  “Can I borrow it?” I asked. “Just for a second.”

  “Nope,” Sam said.

  I held my hands together.

  “Please? Pretty please? I have to ask it something super important.” Being able to use it at this moment was too tempting, too tantalizing for words. Surely I could ask it just one question?

  “Really? What’s super important?”

  “The thing I have to ask the Shard.” I fidgeted. “Come on. I even said please.”

  She put the Shard back into her purse. “You can do better than that.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I said. “But—”

  The three of us froze as hundreds of screams erupted inside the gymnasium.

  e rushed into the gym, weaving around students running out. Using the Shard set off Jenny, just like we’d worried it would. Only we didn’t think she’d have the gall to reveal her Golem form in front of the entire school. A ballsy move on her part.

  She morphed into the black mist and twirled poor Rob around like a lasso. They came to a stop in the middle of the gym, about halfway between the floor and the ceiling. The smoke
moved into Rob’s body and he exploded into tiny particles. A red mist of blood rained down on us.

  I looked down. Red spots speckled the exposed bits of my white dress shirt.

  “There goes another one,” I said. “I’m just going to start shopping at Marshalls.”

  The black smoke formed a smiley face as it caught sight of us. I motioned for Josh and Sam to do what they needed to do.

  “I got this.”

  The cloud moved closer to me, making a smoky approximation of Jenny.

  “The Shard,” the cloud said in a very gassy voice. “Give it to me and we can kill the angel together.”

  “Wait, it’s here somewhere.” I patted myself down, then pulled my pockets inside out. “I could’ve sworn I had it on me.”

  The cloud screamed and surrounded me. I felt myself being lifted into the air. The monster then tossed me around the gym. I crashed into the cinder block walls, the folded-up bleachers, and even slid into a group of kids, one of whom fell right on my junk. It did not feel good. I got to my feet, dusted myself off, and buttoned my jacket.

  “I do love the rough stuff,” I said.

  The monster enveloped me again, but this time it tried to enter me. It bounced around, probing my body for an opening.

  “No means no,” I said.

  Finally, Jenny gave up and morphed back into human form. “How?”

  I held up the finger with the Ring of the Gods on it. “Always wear protection.”

  I glanced over at Josh and Sam, who struggled to break the glass to the fire alarm. Jenny noticed me looking at them. She ran at the pair. I dove, catching hold of her foot. She changed back into the smoke thing, freeing herself from my grip as she flew toward them.

  Josh stood between Sam and the monster, holding his arms out, trying to protect Sam. Such a brave and stupid move on his part. The cloud picked him up and flung him onto the stage.

  “Let’s dance,” she said, as she picked Josh up and spun him around the dance floor . It didn’t take long for the Templar to throw up all over the place.

  I rushed over to Sam. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I can’t get the glass to break,” she said, trying to break it with her elbow.

  “Hand of God didn’t work?”

  She stopped and lowered her head.

  “I didn’t think of that.”

  I smashed the glass with my fist.

  “So this is what the Shard told you? Get Jenny wet? I was doing a good enough job of that on my own.”

  “Pervert. This kind of wet requires… a woman’s touch.”

  Sam’s hand glowed as she gripped the sprinkler system lever, which lit up on contact. She pulled the lever.

  Water poured down from the sprinkler heads. Drops of it burned as they landed on my head. I looked up and got some in my eye. That burned even worse.

  “Holy water?” I asked, trying to shield myself. The Ring of the Gods kept my flesh from melting off, but it still felt like drops of scalding hot water hitting me. At least it wouldn’t leave a permanent mark. I hoped.

  Sam grinned. “Damn right.”

  “You’re getting more PG-13 by the day.”

  Some of the other students still in the gym screamed in pain as the holy water seared their flesh. Guess there were more demons and Hellish beings in high school than I’d thought.

  The Black Cloud of Death released Josh, who fell to the floor, out cold. A primal shriek made my eardrums ring in pain. The holy water tore through her amorphous form, disintegrating her.

  “She’s melting,” I said in a high-pitch shriek. “Melting. Oh, what a world.”

  Sam put her hand on my shoulder as the monster’s screams faded away, along with any trace that she’d ever existed. So much for the Golem. With the show over, the burning holy water returned to the forefront of my mind with a vengeance.

  “I’ll meet you outside,” I said, running out of the gym.

  I stood off to the edge of the crowd. The kids had a quiet sort of shock on their faces. They definitely couldn’t comprehend what they’d just witnessed. Their brains would probably pass it off as someone spiking the punch bowl, causing a mass hallucination.

  Sam helped Josh outside. I waved to them as I took out my cigarettes. Thankfully, they’d survived the sprinklers. I lit up.

  “No smoking,” the principal barked.

  I exhaled a ring in his face. “Blow me.”

  The principal coughed as he meekly disappeared back into the crowd. Sam and Josh stood next to me. Josh bled from his head. I winced.

  “You just can’t help getting the shit knocked out of you, can you?” I asked.

  “Guess not.” He looked past me. “What’s Gumby doing here?”

  “Huh?” I glanced behind me. Nothing.

  “I think he hit his head a little too hard,” Sam said, propping him up.

  “That’s surprising.” I helped her keep Josh on his feet by taking his weight on the other side. “I figured he had a lot of padding up in there.”

  “I’m going to let that one slide,” she said. “How did Jenny not make you explode?”

  I wiggled the finger with the ring on it. “This thing is amazing. I could shower in holy water and come out with only minor burns.”

  “Sam’s burning up the place,” Josh mumbled. “She’s so hot.”

  Sam blushed.

  I tried not to laugh. “Is she? Would you like to do unmentionable things to her?”

  He smiled and gave me a thumbs-up.

  “Got yourself a real winner here,” I said.

  “Can we just get him to the hospital? Please? He’s getting to be too heavy.”

  “You hear that, fatty?” I asked Josh.

  Josh opened his mouth to respond but drooled instead.

  Nicholas appeared out of the crowd. He looked at the drooling mess that was Josh and grinned. “Cute. He a pet of yours?”

  Sam’s face went blood red. “The Little Horn.”

  Nicholas made a mocking gesture with his hands. “The poseur angel.”

  “I know what you’re here for. You can’t have it.”

  Nicholas laughed. “Listen to that moxie. Bartholomew, you really are rubbing off on her, aren’t you?”

  “It happens.” The idea occurred to me that maybe she’d rubbed off on me a little as well. I dismissed the notion as quickly as a fly in my face.

  “Look, sugar tits. Your demon friend here and I have a deal. He gives me the Shard, I give him a spot on the High Council in Hell.”

  “Did you know he lost his horns?” Sam asked. She knew all about Nicholas, since she’d forced me to tell her using the Hand of God. But he didn’t know that.

  Nicholas winced. “Say it ain’t so.”

  “It’s so,” I said.

  “That’s a Greek tragedy.”

  “Yes, we’re all quite torn up about it,” Sam said. “The fact remains, he doesn’t have the Shard. You should’ve made the deal with me.”

  “Maybe I’ll just take it from you. Along with your arms. And your legs.” Nicholas arched his eyebrows. His eyes turned a light shade of red. A few more seconds, and that famous temper of his would go off.

  “Let’s round the corner, shall we?” I asked. “Get some privacy.”

  We walked out of sight around the side of the gym. Sam and I set Josh down on the concrete, leaning him back against the school’s brick wall.

  He held up his hand, staring at his fingers like he’d never seen them before. “Pretty.”

  Nicholas glanced contemptuously at Josh, then back to me.

  “All right. A deal is a deal,” he said, holding out his hand. “I don’t want to hurt your girlfriend here, but you know I will.”

  “That won’t be necessary.” The cherry of a cigarette glowed as someone inhaled.

  I smiled. “Uh oh. You’ve done it now.”

  Lucifer stepped into the light, the smoke contorting around him as he moved.

  “Hello, son. Keeping busy, I see.”


  “Sorry,” I said. “I told your dad on you.”

  Whatever arrogance Nicholas possessed drained out of him.

  “Dad, um… what are you doing here? This… totally isn’t what it looks like.”

  Lucifer flicked his cigarette away.

  “What does it look like?”

  Nicholas’s head tried to retreat into his body. His sphincter too, probably.

  “I don’t know. Just a few people having a friendly chat?”

  Lucifer put his hand on his son’s head. The touch let forth a small scream of souls. It even wigged me out a little.

  “You’ve been conspiring to get your paws on the Shard of Gabriel.” He wagged his finger at Nicholas. “Your failures reflect very poorly on me. Makes me feel like I let you down as a father. Which, let’s face it, I did, because I’m the devil. Doing something good just isn’t in the cards.”

  I looked up at the sky. The old man did have a damn good point.

  “But, Dad…” Nicholas pouted.

  “Dad nothing. This is the last time you try to usurp my power, you understand? I’m sick of it. I’ve tried reasoning with you. I’ve tried bargaining with you. I’ve even tried grounding you. If you could only get something right every few millennia.”

  Nicholas trembled. “What are you going to do?”

  “What I should have done when you were but a mere babe.”

  Lucifer bent Nicholas over his knee and started spanking him.

  “Dad, please!” Nicholas cried out. “Not in front of them. This is embarrassing.”

  “No. You’re going to learn your lesson.”

  Sam’s mouth fell open. She evidently had no idea how to process what she saw.

  Lucifer looked up and must’ve noticed.

  “This… has been… a long time… coming,” he said between spanks. He turned his gaze in my direction. “Thanks for the heads-up. Your punishment is rescinded. I can’t do much else for you, since you lost your horns.” Lucifer spanked Nicholas so hard he wailed. “I hear it feels a bit like being de-balled.”

  “You heard right.” I’d probably have to join a bowling team so I could feel like I belonged somewhere now.

  “Shame. Hate to lose one of my own. Even if you were more trouble than you were worth, but that’s why I liked you.”

  I waved him off. “You’re just saying that.”