The Book of Bart Read online

  “Even better.”

  Miss Evans passed by the window again. I instinctively held my arm out in front of Josh so he wouldn’t press his face up against the window. She disappeared up the stairs.

  “Okay,” I said. “My guess is she’s getting gangbanged up there, which means Sam is most likely in the house somewhere.”

  “How do you know?”

  I tried not to roll my eyes. The folly of youth and inexperience got me every time.

  “Because she and her three little boy toys wouldn’t be getting freaky here unless they had Sam nearby. For all I know, they’re up there making her watch.”

  Which would be an interesting way to try to corrupt an angel. Or at least torture one.

  I pulled out my cellphone and dialed Miss Evans’s number.

  She answered on the third ring.

  “My call almost went through to voicemail. I figured you and your harem would be more attentive than that, considering the stakes.” I knew full well they probably needed a minute or two to untangle themselves.

  “Well, I’m here now,” she said. “Do you have what I want?”

  “You have Sam?”

  Miss Evans moaned. “Can we keep her? She’s so virtuous and pure. I can’t believe you haven’t sullied her by now.”

  “Who says I haven’t?” I covered the speaker with my hand and waved to Josh. “Let’s go back to the car.”

  We moved toward Sweet Claudette, staying in the shadows as best we could.

  She laughed. “Please. We both know that’s a lie. Do you have the Shard?”

  “I do.” We stopped at the Benz. I didn’t want to open it or do anything to give away our location.

  “Good. Meet me at the state fairgrounds near the clump of trees next to Carter-Finley Stadium. One hour. Can I trust you to come alone?”

  “Of course you can trust me.” I wondered if Miss Evans really was dumb enough to trust me. I hoped so.

  “See you there.” She hung up.

  I unlocked Sweet Claudette and we slid inside.

  “What’s the plan?” Josh asked.

  “We’re going to hit them while they’re getting in the car. They should be vulnerable, then.”

  Josh squeezed his hands together. “Why don’t we just burst in there?”

  “Since I doubt you can pick locks, the only way that would work is if you were the decoy, and you being alone with Miss Evans will end with you becoming another of her sex slaves.” I followed the headlights of a car that passed by us, which left a glare in my eyes. “I learned that one the hard way. Nobody can handle her raw sexual power.”

  He rubbed his forehead. “You did okay a minute ago. Do you have something that can protect me?”

  I held up my ring finger, gazing at the Ring of the Gods. “I’m not giving you this.”

  Josh gave me pleading look. “It would be so perfect, though. You could sneak in back, take care of the guys, grab Sam, then get out. Boom. We all go home.”

  I scratched my head. “You don’t want to be the one to rescue her?”

  “I’m helping, aren’t I?”

  I leaned my head back against the headrest. Josh’s plan was risky. And stupid. This also meant if anything went wrong on my end, he’d probably wind up dead.

  “Let’s give it a shot.” I opened my door.

  If I rescued Sam, but intentionally let Josh die, she would know—and promptly boot me down to the Ninth Circle—but this plan was so insane the chances of us pulling it off without a hitch were next to none. That was the beauty of it. I wouldn’t have to try to get Josh killed. He’d probably do it himself.

  I reluctantly gave him my ring so he could withstand the onslaught of hormones Miss Evans would unleash on the poor mortal. I hoped that if he got eaten, the ring wouldn’t be digested.

  Josh rang the doorbell. When she answered, he would tell her his car broke down and ask to use the phone. Very original, but, hey, he’d be a distraction alive or dead, so it made no difference to me.

  I crept around to the back of the house. The lights mostly focused near the front door, making it easier to move around unnoticed. It would’ve been embarrassing if some neighbor saw me creeping around and called the cops. I extended a claw and waited. I peeked just enough into a window so I could see Miss Evans with only one eye. How virtuous. She wore white pajama pants complete with a matching white shirt. Guess she knew to not answer the door wearing Tyler’s jersey. When the succubus greeted Josh, I went to work, picking the lock. I eased the door open, stepped inside, and softly closed it behind me.

  I must’ve been in the den. A television sat in the corner, a burgundy couch tucked against the far wall, above which hung a painting of people participating in an orgy back in medieval times, which totally clashed with the rest of the room. But, no Sam.

  I dashed across the entrance to the hallway, knowing Miss Evans would notice me if she turned around. I didn’t see Sam in the kitchen. I could see through the kitchen and into the dining room. Not there either. Maybe they really did have her up in the bedroom, making her witness the depraved sex acts of a succubus and her three teenaged lovers.

  Or maybe they left her in the trunk of the car. Bless it. This was a bad idea.

  I crept back into the den. I’d have to pass by Miss Evans to get upstairs. I motioned to Josh with my hands and pointed outside. I hugged the wall as the Succubus turned around to see what Josh looked at. I counted to five and peeked around the corner. Her back was to me again. I moved toward them as quietly as possible.

  “Maybe you can help me. Could you take a look at it?” Josh asked her. “I’m not really sure how to change a tire.”

  “I don’t know. It’s kind of late and I have papers to grade.”

  I made a choking move with my hands, hoping he would get the idea that I wanted him to fake choking to get her outside.

  “Please. I don’t know who else to call,” he said.

  No!

  I pointed at him and made the motion again. His eyes lit up for a second. He got it. Sadly, Miss Evans did too. She began to turn her head toward me when Josh started coughing. He leaned down, a hand on her shoulder. The hand wearing the Ring of the Gods. If she noticed it, game over.

  “Are you all right?” Miss Evans asked, tending to him.

  Josh coughed even harder, moving away from the front door. Miss Evans took the bait, moving out onto the porch to pat his back.

  I rushed upstairs and into the bedroom. What I saw made me want to rip out my eyes.

  Tyler, Clayton, and Darrel were all naked, spread-eagled and gagged with their hands bound above their heads, an image that I knew would haunt me for some time to come. The three of them made sounds to warn Miss Evans, but the gags cut down on the noise.

  Sam sat, leaning against a wall, tied up with rope but still clothed. She’d been gagged with a blue bandana.

  Sick bastards. They wanted her to see this orgy of terror.

  I cut her free with my claws and removed her gag. She collapsed into my arms.

  “Thank you. You have no idea the things they made me see.”

  “I can imagine.” Actually, I’d seen worse. A woman fooling around with a centaur and a chimera. I’d never get that image out of my head.

  “How did you find me?” she asked, her voice breaking.

  “You’re at Miss Evans’s house.”

  She massaged her wrists, rubbed raw by the rope. “Oh.”

  The guys kept trying to alert the succubus. Tyler got the bright idea to bang his head against the wall. I hoped it wasn’t loud enough to tip her off.

  It was.

  iss Evans’s succubus wail made Sam and me cover our ears. Sam fell to the floor in agony, forcing me to drop my hands from my ears and pick her up. The wail felt like a million needles stabbing my head all at once. Much as the pain ate away at me, we had to move. Thanks to Sam being zero help, I bore the brunt of the monster’s shrieks as I cradled her in my arms. My hands burned from touching her skin, but I gritte
d my teeth and tried to think of anything besides the all-enveloping pain.

  “Are you strong enough to Hand of God Miss Evans?” I asked.

  “What?” Sam asked.

  Great.

  I staggered out of the bedroom and headed down the stairs. We needed to get close enough to Miss Evans so Sam could Hand of God her ass.

  She crashed through the front of the house in full succubus regalia: dark, scaly skin, horns, wings, and a tail. She was the size of a garbage truck. Miss Evans shrieked as she flew at us. I panicked and tried to run back up the stairs, but I didn’t move fast enough. She scooped us up with her scaly feet and crashed through the rear of the house.

  The succubus picked up altitude as we flew over some trees.

  “What’s it doing?” Sam asked as the three of us moved higher and higher. She struggled to get free.

  “Best guess? It’s going to drop us from a height that makes us go splat.”

  “Can we not do that?”

  “Ask Miss Evans with your Hand of God. See what she says.” I didn’t know what we could do to get out of this if the Hand of God didn’t work. The healing stuff wouldn’t save us if we were already stains on the road, and I doubted Miss Evans would let us go out of the kindness of her heart. This might suck a little.

  So, Bart. How did you end up back in Hell?

  I got dropped from hundreds of feet in the air by a flying succubus.

  Ha, ha. Loser.

  The jokes about being killed by a bird would be nonstop. Especially from Hitler, who’d make at least a million Eagle’s Nest jokes about it.

  Sam tried to order Miss Evans to set us down, but the almost-angel had a hard enough time hanging on to the succubus.

  “I can’t get a good grip,” she said.

  I had an inappropriate response, but now wasn’t the time. I remembered the water gun in my jacket. I pulled it out and shot at the foot holding me. Her scales sizzled and smoked where the holy water landed, loosening the grip around me. I grabbed one of the talon-like toes before I fell.

  I swung myself on top of the foot and reached out to Sam. She tried to take my hand. I’d almost reached her fingertips when the succubus did a corkscrew. My feet scraped against the top of a tree as I tried to hang on.

  I stuck out my hand for Sam to grab again.

  “You’re flexible,” I shouted. “Think long.”

  Sam reached for me again. I leaned toward her and wrapped my hand around her wrist. I pulled as hard as I could, freeing her from the talon’s grip. My sizzling flesh almost made me lose her. A razor-sharp claw snagged her thigh as she escaped, leaving a gash the length of her leg. Sam and I glanced at each other, then at her bleeding leg. A stream of blood soaked through her jeans.

  “Come on.” I crawled out of the foot and took hold of the base of one of her wings for support. When I left the safety of her foot, Miss Evans dipped and drifted to my side as my weight unbalanced her.

  “Let’s see if the angel has wings,” the succubus said with a hiss. She went up in the air, increasing her speed as she climbed. I held onto the wing as my feet dangled in the air. I’d be toast if I lost my grip on Miss Evans’s scales. Sam’s screams let me know she hadn’t fallen off yet.

  “I can’t fly,” she said. “I’m not even a real angel yet.”

  The succubus laughed. “Pity.”

  “Set us down,” I said to Miss Evans. “Or it’s holy water in the eye.”

  The succubus hissed and went into a dive. I lost my grip on the wing and almost fell, but I grabbed her tail at the last moment. The wind buffeted my face. Lights approached. Miss Evans took us straight into oncoming traffic on the Beltline. Those drivers would have one heck of a story to tell when they got home, provided their brains could process everything and they didn’t convince themselves they saw nothing more than a balloon or floating teddy bears.

  Miss Evans wagged her tail back and forth, trying to make a car hit me. Drivers honked their horns at us, as if that would deter a succubus. I yanked up my feet as I barely missed the cars. I almost smashed into a SUV, but managed to push myself off the side of it, which, at sixty-five miles an hour, was easier said than done.

  Sam screamed again. If I hadn’t also been struggling to stay on, I’d have told her to quit acting like a girl and nut up. A car clipped her feet. We wouldn’t last much longer out here. At that moment, I kind of envied Josh, hanging out at Miss Evans’s house, wondering where we’d flown off to.

  “Face palm her,” I said.

  “I can’t.” One of her hands lost its grip, but she quickly latched back onto the succubus.

  I crawled up the tail, dodging cars as they sped by, and planted my feet on her wings. I wrapped an arm around her neck and pulled out the water gun.

  “You asked for it,” I said. “Suck on this.”

  I shot her in the face with holy water. Miss Evans screamed, but didn’t seem inclined to take us down. I kept squeezing the trigger. Her molten scales left a smoke trail that smelled like a combination of raw eggs and canned dog food. I turned my head so I wouldn’t have to inhale it. I felt a tap on my shoulder. Sam.

  “Glad you could make it,” I said.

  “Shut up.” She laid her hands on both sides of Miss Evans’s rib cage. “By the power of God, I command you to set us down safely.”

  Her hands lit up. The succubus turned so sharply to the left I almost tumbled off. I continued shooting the holy water in her face. She landed on top of a parking deck. Sam and I rolled off her back onto the concrete.

  “You didn’t say anything about leaving you alone after landing,” Miss Evans said. She snapped at Sam, sinking her teeth into her shoulder.

  The angel yelled out in pain.

  I ran up and tried to shoot Miss Evans in the eye, but the water gun was empty. Stupid toy.

  Sam’s hands glowed so brightly they nearly blinded me. She grabbed the succubus’s head, which lit up from the inside.

  Miss Evans howled, letting go of Sam. The teacher’s scaly head kept glowing, as if it were heating up. She moved away from us, shrieking and shaking her head back and forth, like she tried to get the light out of her.

  I helped Sam to her feet and watched Miss Evans writhe in pain. I took no small amount of glee in the sight.

  Her head suddenly exploded. Succubus brains landed on my suit, but I didn’t care. So many had already been ruined at this point, what was one more?

  “I didn’t know you could do that,” I said.

  “Only if I’m touching the thing,” she said. “Otherwise, the best I can do is knock it out.”

  I was still impressed. “The name’s Sam,” I said. “Samantha if you’re nasty.”

  She grinned, then held her hands up in front of her. “Hell hath no fury, right?”

  “You know what else hath no fury like a woman scorned?”

  “Still me. That S&M orgy was repulsive.”

  “Good answer, but no.” I fished around in my pocket for the Shard of Gabriel. “Me. Look what I found.”

  I showed her the Shard. She went rigid and the air turned stale around her, as if she’d been told her parents died in a horrific plane crash.

  “What are you doing with that?” she asked.

  “Josh and I went to your place to see if we could use a red herring for the swap with Miss Evans. Instead, I found the real herring. Were you ever going to tell me you had the Shard?”

  Sam reached for the Shard, but I jerked my hand back.

  “If I had, you would’ve used it for your own personal gain. Am I right?”

  Indeed. If I’d known before now, I absolutely would’ve used it for my own demonic purposes. I lowered my head. I didn’t like being called out.

  “Right.”

  “So, that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

  “Why the charade, then? Why not just use the stupid thing to find out who wants it? We wouldn’t have had to go through all this stuff, like a succubus trying to take our heads off by flying us into oncoming traff
ic.”

  “Because—”

  I waved her off. She’d have said anything at this point to calm me down. I looked into the Shard. “Who is trying to get their greasy little hands on you?”

  Before the answer could formulate in my mind, Sam slapped the Shard out of my hands, breaking the connection. The glass skidded across the pavement.

  “They’ll know,” she said as she ran over to pick it up.

  “How? This is ridiculous.”

  “Whoever wants the Shard has had it before, but only briefly. They figured out a way to track it. If we use the thing, they’ll know, and they’ll know where.” Sam moved toward the deck’s stairwell. “We have to go. Now. Before they show up. I’ll explain more, but we have to go.”

  I followed Sam down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. I called a taxi to pick us up. While we waited, Sam explained how she came to possess the Shard, and the homing beacon. After I’d lost it, in a rare act of cooperation, Hell returned the piece of the mirror to Gabriel. Lucifer worried some other demon would get the same idea I did. But Gabriel was ambushed and temporarily lost the fragment.

  Insert joke about not using the Shard here.

  Before Heaven got it back, the tracking spell had been placed on it. The allure was addictive, something I understood better than most. Gabriel knew whomever stole the relic wouldn’t stop looking for it, so he’d put Sam into action. She’d tracked the suspect to Raleigh on her own, but the two of them got into a scuffle, and Sam realized she didn’t have the ability to do this on her own.

  “I needed help. My people didn’t know who to ask, so I went to the only thing that did.”

  “The Shard,” I said.

  “That’s why you were attacked right after you got topside,” she said. “Whoever had it last knew you’d been chosen, putting us both in danger.”

  “Thanks again for that horrible Tony Stewart shirt, by the way.”

  “Sorry. I was at a gas station. They didn’t have a lot to choose from.”

  “Why not meet me when I got topside?”

  “I wanted to, but I had to make sure whoever wanted the thing couldn’t find me. By the time I could, you’d taken care of things on your end.”