The Book of Bart Read online

  “You moron. How could you let him find you?”

  He slapped my hand away. “I don’t know.”

  “You suck at your job. The Templars only let you in because of your dad, didn’t they?”

  “I didn’t purposely let him find me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I know. That’s why you suck at your job.”

  “Shut up.”

  Something didn’t feel right with the car. I turned the wheel side to side, checking the Benz’s maneuverability. The car felt a bit sluggish. “Something’s wrong,” I said.

  “What?” Sam asked.

  “I don’t know. It’s like we’re―”

  Sam screamed. The minion crawled onto the rear of the Mercedes, digging its claws into the trunk to keep from falling off. Son of a bitch.

  If Sam’s scream was loud, Kyle’s was earth shattering. “Oh my God. What is that thing? What’s going on?” He grabbed my shoulder. “We’re gonna die.”

  “Calm down,” I said, shrugging his hand off. “Nobody’s going to die. I think.”

  “You think?” he shrieked.

  The minion smashed the rear window. Josh and Kyle thrust themselves forward and down, trying to evade the monster. Kyle sounded like a banshee. The kid had some serious lungpower.

  If this kept up, somebody might really die.

  “Of course, accidents do happen.” I jerked the steering wheel to the left. The minion slid off the side of the car, but its claws remained embedded in the trunk, keeping him from falling. I heard each claw scrape against my baby. Add a new paint job to my To Do list.

  “Stop ruining my car,” I shouted at the thing.

  A claw pierced the roof as the minion moved forward. I swerved to the right, but the claw didn’t budge.

  “Everybody buckle up. This is about to get… scary,” I said, smirking.

  “It’s not scary now?” Kyle shrieked.

  I moved across the yellow lines and into the oncoming traffic. Sam fumbled with the seatbelt while praying buckled up and began praying. I couldn’t tell if the two yokels in the back buckled up. Cars honked and swerved to get out of my way. I weaved around them as best I could, hoping the minion would either lose its grip or accept defeat and give up the chase. It did neither.

  “You’re going to get us all killed,” Sam said. “Even you.”

  “Ha.”

  Kyle and Josh both screamed in the backseat as I barely missed a car that flew by us. The side mirror ripped off, I came so close to a collision. I glanced at Sam, her eyes wide and frightened, breathing so fast her heart might explode. I’ll admit it, chances were more than fair I’d get us killed.

  “Fine,” I said. “We’ll try it your way.”

  I steered back onto our side of the street. The claws disappeared from the roof, but I didn’t for one second believe the minion had gone. Things were never that simple. The sunroof shattered, spraying glass all over us. A black hand reached down and buried itself in my shoulder.

  So much for my charm protecting me from evil.

  Thanks a lot, Remy. You Cajun greaser.

  “I only want the Templar,” the minion growled. “The rest of you can go.”

  “Then get your hand out of my shoulder. You’re ruining my coat.” I shot a glance at the minion, with his black skin and short hair.

  Wait a second.

  I looked up at him again.

  Marlon!

  “Marlon, you old dog,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

  “Who is that?” Marlon leaned into the car. His face lit up. “Bartholomew? That you?”

  Josh must’ve thought now would be a good time to do something stupid, because the next thing I knew both Marlon and I got a nice dose of holy water. The minion screamed and pulled his head out of the car. I groaned through clenched teeth. The holy water melted Marlon’s claws into my shoulder, as if the holy water on its own didn’t hurt enough.

  “Smart guy,” I said. “That burns me too.”

  “Sorry,” Josh said.

  Marlon ducked his head back into the car. “Just let me kill the kid, Bart. Please?”

  “Right now, I don’t care who kills who. Just stop ruining my suits, okay?”

  “There’s a monster on the roof and you’re worried about your clothes?” Kyle asked. “What the Hell is wrong with you people?”

  What’s wrong with me is that this ensemble cost well over a thousand dollars.

  “Not now, Kyle,” I said, too occupied with Marlon to argue with the kid about the merits of wearing nice clothes. I tried to pull the minion’s arm out of my shoulder. His claws tugged against bone and muscle, refusing to budge. The holy water fused us together, which made swerving the car to get him off us nothing more than an exercise in torture at this point.

  “Come on, Bart. Just give me the hunter,” Marlon said. “You know you want to.”

  “Don’t call me Bart.” I glanced over at Sam. “Wrap your hands around his forearm.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “You want me to what?”

  “Do it,” I said.

  Sam hesitated for a moment, then closed her fingers around Marlon’s flesh. It sizzled and burned at her touch. The minion screamed bloody murder, but she held firm.

  “Now what?” she asked.

  “Hold on until you can break it off,” I said. Marlon’s claws wiggled back and forth in my shoulder, which didn’t hurt. At all.

  And I thought a gallon of holy water to the face hurt.

  Sam’s hands sunk into Marlon’s molten forearm until I couldn’t tell where she began and he ended. Glancing down, the mess looked like someone threw up Brunswick stew all over my shoulder. Bits of Marlon’s arm dripped onto the middle console between Sam and me, which only caused more damage to my car.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie.” I patted the steering wheel.

  Kyle stuck his head between his knees. “I’m going to be sick.”

  “Don’t you dare,” I said. “This car has had enough damage tonight. Swallow that shit back.”

  Marlon’s arm looked ready to break off. I nodded at Sam. She pulled, ripping the minion’s arm from his body.

  Sure would’ve been nice if she’d gotten it out of my shoulder, too.

  I slammed on the brakes. Marlon flew twenty feet in the air, then crashed face first into the asphalt. After rolling several feet, he stood, clothes torn to shreds, face scuffed and bloody. Since he didn’t have any fingers to flip us off with, the minion made a fuck you motion with his arms.

  What a jerkoff. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and floored the gas. Marlon stood his ground as the Benz sped toward him. We slammed into him, making a large dent in the front hood. He bounced over the car and landed on the road behind us.

  I turned to Josh. “Now you can holy water his ass.”

  Josh fumbled to get his door open, shock making him even more useless. Sam had to reach back and help him. He stumbled out of the car, ran over to Marlon and poured the holy water on his face. The minion convulsed with pain and Josh sauntered back to the car, making a gesture like he washed his hands of the situation.

  “Easy enough,” he said, getting in. “So, that wasn’t so ba―”

  Kyle threw up all over Josh, who stared at him for a moment with wide eyes, then vomited as well.

  I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “Anybody else need to hurl?”

  “I’m okay, thanks,” Sam said.

  When I worked on my own, I never, ever had issues with my car getting messed up. Now the blessed thing was probably totaled, and we had to drive the rest of the night with the interior reeking of throw-up. It was expected some items of clothing would be damaged, but that didn’t make the pain any easier to deal with.

  “Can somebody please explain to me what just happened?” Kyle asked. “Are we going to jail for killing that thing? We are, aren’t we? I can’t go on the run, man. I can’t. I’m not built for that life.”

  Kyle’s rambling mercifully ended when he passed out, his head
plopping down into his own vomit. One problem solved. However, I still had the issue of Marlon’s arm being stuck in my shoulder and Sam’s fingers in the middle of it all.

  Sam pulled, trying to wrench her fingers free from his molten forearm. My shoulder exploded in pain as she yanked and yanked.

  She gave me a knowing look. “This isn’t good.”

  “It’s not?” I snorted. “Look, stop trying to get it out all at once. All you’re doing is hurting me. Try going one finger at a time.”

  I tried to pry her fingers out of the forearm. That might have worked, but my fingers burned when they touched her, which just made an even bigger mess of things as my flesh began to melt into theirs, creating an odd, gross sort of three-way of gunk.

  “Maybe if we got out of the car first,” Sam said.

  “That’s too much trouble,” I said. Grabbing the forearm, I tried to wrench it away from Sam. “Josh, go around and pull on Sam. Maybe we can pry it loose.”

  Josh got out and opened Sam’s door. He wrapped his hands around her shoulders.

  “Do it,” I said. Sam and Josh yanked in their direction, while I pulled in the other direction. Her fingers slowly broke free.

  “This is so gross. I can feel the goo bubbling between my fingers,” Sam said.

  “Don’t stop.” They tugged so hard parts of my shoulder moved with them. That’s all I needed—an entire chunk of my shoulder ripped out. “Come on. Put your back into it. Your ass. Anything.”

  Josh and Sam audibly strained as they pulled. After about a minute of tugging, Sam’s hand broke free from Marlon’s forearm. The change in momentum made Josh fall backward. Sam stared at the black and red mush all over her hand.

  “This is so disgusting,” she said, wiping her hand on the floorboard.

  “Sure. Why not mess up the floorboards?” I sighed. “It’s not like the rest of my baby isn’t dead.”

  “Sorry,” Sam said.

  I waved her off. “Whatever. Can we just get this thing out of my shoulder?”

  Sam leaned in close, inspecting the wound. She dry heaved. “Oh my gosh.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Just don’t do it on me. I can take only so much.”

  Josh got to his feet outside. “Um, guys.”

  “We’re a bit busy at the moment,” I said.

  “The minion is gone.”

  Sam’s gaze darted behind the car. She moved so fast her hand bumped against Marlon’s forearm. I winced.

  “Sorry,” she said, patting my shoulder.

  “Can you take care of Marlon?” I asked Josh. “I’m kind of stuck at the moment.” I touched Sam’s shirt. “If you’d do the honors.”

  Her fingers hovered over Marlon’s hand, like she tried to figure out where to begin. She touched one of the claws with her thumb and index finger and pulled gently. His hand melted some more.

  Holy Heaven that hurts.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  I opened my car door. “Josh. Come yank this thing out. Sam’s got too physical a touch.”

  “But I haven’t found―”

  “Don’t care. Do it now.”

  “Fine.” Josh ran over and took Sam’s seat in the car. She stood outside. The Templar took a deep breath, grabbed the claw and tried to wrest it free. It barely moved.

  “Seriously, I’m going to start crying if you don’t hurry up,” I said. I couldn’t stand the pain.

  “I wouldn’t mind seeing that,” Josh said.

  I was in too much pain to come up with a proper comeback.

  Sam moved around outside, looking for Marlon. “Josh, I don’t see―”

  The minion flew out of the shadows, tackling Sam. Josh’s attention immediately went to the fake angel. I tugged on his arm.

  “Me first,” I said. “Let her do her thing. She’ll be fine.”

  Josh continued trying to get the claws out of my shoulder, but all he succeeded in doing was torturing me. My eyes watered. After another minute of pain, the likes of which I hadn’t felt since taking a cannonball to the gut at Gettysburg, Josh freed up Marlon’s hand enough to where he could peel the fingers out of me, then the rest of the arm.

  “This is the nastiest thing I have ever done,” Josh said.

  “Try being boiled in a vat of acid.” I threw open my door and got out.

  Sam and Marlon fell to the ground as he attacked her with flailing elbows. She covered her face with her hands in an effort to defend herself. Seeing him fight without hands was pretty impressive. They rolled over and I got an up-close look at Marlon’s face, or what remained of it. Even his demonic skin looked messed up beyond repair.

  “Marlon, how are you still moving around? Can’t you just go back to Hell?” I asked.

  The minion tried to speak, but only gurgling sound came out. The black goo that squirted out of his throat made me shudder.

  Josh rushed over and grabbed Marlon. He tried to keep the minion’s arms away from Sam’s neck. “You going to help or not?”

  “I guess.” I moved to Marlon’s side. I reached down, cupping my left hand around his chin. I put my foot on his back and snapped off what remained of his head. A wheezing sound came from the neck wound, like air escaping.

  I dropped the head on the ground. “You two better move back.”

  Josh and Sam rolled away as flames engulfed Marlon’s lifeless body, returning him to Hell. When the body disintegrated, the fire died out, leaving nothing but a charred spot on the road.

  used the rest of the healing goo Sam gave me to fix my shoulder. Took a little while to kick in, but everything felt as good as new soon enough. “Do you have more of this stuff?”

  Sam shook her head. “That’s it.”

  I glanced off to the side. “Can you get more? I’m going to go out on a limb and say we’ll probably need it.”

  She crossed her arms and sank into her seat.

  “I’ll try.” Her tone suggested there was a better chance of seeing the Pope snort cocaine than getting more.

  “Do that,” I said as I started driving. This night had better end. And soon.

  Kyle still hadn’t come to when we pulled to a stop next to his car in the school parking lot. Josh tried to wake him up, but the kid remained dead to the world. I got out and grabbed him by the wrist, dragging him out into the parking lot.

  “We can’t just leave him like this,” Sam pleaded, moving next to me.

  “He’ll be fine,” I said.

  Josh got out and joined in the conversation. “At least get him in his car.”

  He would take Sam’s side in all this.

  I ground my teeth together. “Do what you want. But one of you dig the keys out of his pocket. I’m not getting that close to his vomit or his junk.”

  Sam narrowed her gaze at me and kneeled down next to Kyle.

  Josh laid his hand on her shoulder. “I’ll do it.”

  “And they say chivalry is dead,” I said.

  Josh patted him down, trying to avoid the vomit-stained areas. When he got to Kyle’s left pocket, he reached in and pulled out the keys. After he unlocked the door, Sam and I tossed Kyle in the back seat. Sam pushed the door’s lock button, and then tossed the keys on Kyle, so when he woke up he’d be good to go.

  I got into my car and slammed the door shut, watching Sam as she slid into the passenger seat. “That was so sweet of you to do that for Kyle. It’s like… you’re an angel.”

  Sam stuck her tongue out at me.

  “You really are an attractive woman when you want to be, you know that?” I said, pulling the gearshift into drive.

  After twenty minutes, we made it to her apartment. The two of them got out of my soiled car and started for her place. Sam stopped and put her hand on Josh’s arm. He carried on walking and she came back to the Mercedes. Just the two of us and the wheezy hum of my dying Benz now. She made a motion for me to roll my window down. I obliged her.

  “What?” I asked.

  She rested her forearms on the roof of the car and kept h
er gaze on the ground. “I’m not sure how to ask this.”

  I smiled. “If it gets you in any kind of trouble, the answer is yes, I’m game.”

  She laughed under her breath. “No, not that.” Her eyes met mine. “What were you doing at Goodberry’s?”

  I laughed nervously.

  Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Damn.

  “Saving your ass,” I said. “You’re welcome for that, by the way.”

  “Thanks. But… why were you there? You couldn’t have known about the minion.”

  I glanced at the dashboard, trying to think of something. And fast. “Kyle wanted some custard, or whatever it is they serve there. I saw a shady character coming at you, so I sprang into action.”

  Sam narrowed her eyes, clearly not buying my story. “You followed us, didn’t you?”

  Busted. Ah, well. Best just go with it now. Wait. Why am I worried about what some pseudo-angel thinks? I’m a demon. We don’t care about things like feelings. “Yes, I was,” I said firmly. “I wanted to make sure you two weren’t getting… copacetic with each other. I’m keeping my mind on the task at hand. I just wanted to make sure you were doing the same.”

  Sam huffed. “You’ve been keeping your eye on the ball?”

  “Both of them.”

  “And how does taking Jenny McPherson’s virginity play into all that? Or flirting with Miss Evans? Or anything you’ve done, for that matter? The only thing you’ve focused on is how to get out of the task at hand.”

  I huffed right back at her, putting some spit into it, which I had to wipe off the steering wheel. “That’s not true. All that stuff has been in the name of finding the Shard and getting the heck out of Dodge. This little date you went on with Josh? Totally outside the established parameters of our assignment. And if you must know, yes. If things had heated up between you two, I’d have stepped in. Thrown a trashcan at Josh’s head or something. I don’t need you compromised by things like feelings.”

  The thought of her having feelings for him nauseated me.

  Sam stood there for a moment.

  “I don’t think that’s the truth.” Her mouth hung slightly open. “You’re jealous, aren’t you?” she asked, taking a couple of steps back.